late twenties crisis

if i am not in school then i need to make something happen. on my own. the approach has been soft, until now. lots of talking and minimal bursts of intense action. so i went out and found a life coach. it's like having a holistic cousellor. man, i need one. i am falling into a state of what he defined as "self centered emptiness". bingo. i wondered if many other people feel this way, and then retracted that thought because it doesn't really matter right now. what matters is becoming aligned in my purpose as given to me by the source. the oneness knows. i am part of this oneness, so a part of me knows too. that is what is creating this dissonance. i know i am not truly doing everything i can to be a successful artist. there is this quote, "if you want to hunt tigers, you must go where the tigers are." yep.

i know the feeling i get when i am operating on the "right" frequency. it is night and day...the static falls off, i am energized, i feel powerful, graceful, generous, optimistic, and creative. i feel like i am on fire with passion for life! i become a magnet for magical beings and wonderful things start to happen! and then somehow the dial gets turned a little bit and i fall out into this lethargic fearful place. i feel that by having a steady hand to hold, i can keep my dial where i need it to be and become the butterfly i long to be. i need help, and admitting it is the first step. finding that help was easy...it was right there. i spoke with my life artist soul coach today for an hour. it changed my perspective on my life. yesterday i felt bored for the first time that i can remember. BORED! what is that? i realized i was ready for change, and far worse is boredom than fear of the unknown. the unknown is what is exciting about life, right? not just scary. brian said that people would rather stay miserable and comfortable than to reach out and leap into the unknown. that is where he comes in...when you know that your time is now! he made me think about who i am THIS MOMENT not last year or in the future. i am an artist now. we talked about intentions and goal achievement. i scribbled notes on a big pad of paper with a black permanent marker. normally i write in purple extra fine ink. this bold permanent marker leapt from my drawer and asked me to say it loud. and stick to it. so...i am.

my intentions are as follows:
i will quit waitressing this year.
i will go to thailand this winter.
i will teach art classes instead of relying on the gerbil wheel.
i will make a brochure for my classes and my art bio by the end of this month.
i will find a photographer to shoot my artwork and put those images on file at printmaker.net so i can order prints for clients.
i will live a comfortable and disciplined lifestyle centered around making the world a more beautiful and creative place.
i will help others touch their fears and let them go through making art.
i will believe in myself, and when i falter, i will rely on my support systems i am creating right now.

well, that about sums it up for now!!! blessings, friends. may we all find connection through our separate journeys. :)

my weakness

my weakness
it arrived shortly after the mango martini disappeared. plump, charred slightly medium rare and perched next to a fluffy pile of mashed potatoes accented with angles of roasted asparagus. the port demiglace orbited the filet, and flanking it was something that blew my mind and taste buds right off...a gorgonzola creme brulee! upon trying the combination, i started laughing uncontrollably...it's my weakness. simple food done with a dash of flair and such exquisite perfection...i wish i could transport myself back to prado right now. our waiter paul was nervous when he talked to us, stuttering a little bit and flashing a small uncomfortable smile. i noticed he had a bit of an underbite, giving him the appearance of a cute little bulldog. we tried to get out of the restaurant without dessert, running a little late for the dance performance up the street. paul refused to let us depart without a bite of tahitian vanilla flan cheesecake, however. teresa signed her half of the bill and i thought about staying there and rubbing it all over my face. so delicious i couldn't bear it...almost. i have to admit, it's been awhile since i went out downtown. sitting there in balboa park, strings of white lights and red and purple umbrellas below...it made me feel like i was inside of a painting. the open air orchestra was playing amidst the colorful fountains, lush plantings and quiet old spanish buildings. it made me feel far away...it made me think about why i haven't left san diego yet. teresa and i dashed out the door, a flutter of brown and blonde manes and black and white dresses. my heels made funny little clicking noises as we hurried to the centro cultural del plaza to see her dance company perform.

we arrived a little late into the the performance and turned off our cell phones. the stage was set in the middle of the room, seating boxing it in like four walls. the dancers were all wearing strange white costumes and body paint, giving them the appearance of being coated in flour. one character was an old woman with a shaved head...her manner and appearance made me think she has cancer. the stage was actually a box filled two feet deep with styrofoam packing peanuts. a woman narrated the journey, and started speaking of all matters pertaining to the green movement. the air, the water, the trickle on down effects of pollution, asthma, cancer, babies, the future. she touched on going backward in our lifestyle to move forward as a species and save the planet. i watched the dancers making strange movements and coughing and huffing and acting like beasts. it made my already full stomach feel sick...full of meat and cheese and alcohol and excess. it made me want to rip off my pretty party dress and kick off my heels and live on a remote island somewhere...no cell phones, no dui's, no credit cards, no pollution..or less pollution. hiding from the issues at hand is a weakness too.

after the two hour performance, i felt stunned. it was such a juxtapostion. teresa wanted to show me this new autralian bar down on fifth, so we went for a martini and i sipped on it without tasting it. my mind was weaving in and out of my excuses. excuses for not traveling this summer, for eating meat, for sleeping in, for not being as diligent about recycling everything...not just the easy stuff. my excuses based around fear, around laziness, around comfort, around everything. reasons and excuses are different creatures, to be sure. i feel such a pull inside of me...tearing me in two directions. the part of me molded by society and consumerism...the one that loves a good steak and expensive pair of heels...versus the one that cries out for nature, wants to run away to the forest, drum, hunt, sit around the fire, swim naked in the stream. today i have had a lot of thoughts and no real answers...who am i? why am i so afraid?

the truth: you were my reason

i didn't have the courage to unveil even more of my feelings. i don't even have the courage to send you this letter. why do you deserve more of my feelings when you have so little for me? those feelings that i put out for you to step on and callously sweep on by while you remained so safe in the moment. your moment changes faster than a butterfly changes flowers. i am not angry because you are an animal in nature, but i am hurt that you disguised yourself with words and energies that withered away as soon as a new flower crossed your path. with a scrap left of my heart, i shielded myself from yet another blow and handed you a list of excuses why i couldn't come to peru. it wasn't that i couldn't come...it was that i chose to protect myself from you. when i opened up and told you how i felt, i meant it...in a resonating timeless sense. not just a fleeting thought or glance. so i backed up, careful to patch up my aching heart and humbly accepted that you and i are different creatures. i want to nest and long to roam. you nest while roaming, making everything home. you told me i was the companion and woman you had looked for all of your life. then in less than two weeks you were enamored by someone else. did you expect me to come down and share a one room apartment with her in your bed? i try to allow divine flow to take it's course, but that was just too much for me to handle. will i ever go to peru? yes. i needed some recovery time to build up the kind of strength it will take me to see you again. every story and lover you take helps seal the wall around those feelings..tighter, stronger...helping me distance myself from the pain i felt and the shift in our relationship. you poke fun at my reasons for not coming to peru...you are my reason for NOT coming, because you were my reason for going there in the first place. i'll go for me, when i am ready. i'll go for PERU. it was wrong of me to hold such expectations and attachment to you in the first place...i know better now. blessings, friend. you have taught me a lot.

you are right where you need to be

she said it. manda can be so wise sometimes. i told her about a few things this morning before she got busy at work and she left me with those parting words. you are right where you need to be. there is no sense in worrying about the upcoming events next week, because it is really out of my hands. i just have to show up and see what happens next. then deal with the next step the best way i can. seems simple. there is no forcasting the future. i know i am learning the lessons for me right here right now. i feel so drained and i don't even have the energy to be anxious or depressed. i am hanging some of my art today in the restaurant so that is cool. it would be nice to sell it and buy a plane ticket to thailand. i am drinking some kombucha tea and going to finish up wiring the paintings to be hung. one step in front of the other today.

lessons of life

relief floods me as my world shifts back into place. my guest from the past is on his way home. i have had a week to learn some new lessons and the course was intense. it is interesting to see how different people handle their obstacles and pain through life. everyone has struggle...some seem to get more tragedy then others however. it is difficult to put myself in a certain someone's shoes, but it seemed the whole visit revolved around talking about the trials and tribulations of his world. the terrible things that happened and keep happening. the unburdening of all these dark memories and the constant reliving of the past left me with a few deep feelings. one was that i don't want to dwell in the past. another was that life is too short to bring the vibrations down. i have a few friends that consider themselves happy-go-lucky individuals. i'd like to know when the smiling begins? i'd like to know when their world doesn't revolve around wounds and saddle sores? i'd like to see them lift up and fly...taste the food in front of them, kiss the sunset with their eyes closed and hearts open. i want to make an effort to be a positive light in the world and touch others so they feel more uplifted by sharing time and space together.

sometimes it is strange what you'll find by opening a time capsule. just one more step toward being in the now...living in the moment. there have been such extremes in this department and now i just want peace. alone time. yoga. silence. music. painting.

the trials of love, or something close....

here we go again...hands in the air, voice held back in my throat, vertigo and cresting and then the drop...whoosh...my body is weightless and i am filled with ecstasy! gravity driving me down while the ride pulls me up...up...rising and turning at warp speed. my ability to love is a lot like standing in line for a rollercoaster ride sometimes. i might be inching along in a sweltering hot line...but eventually i get on and ride. i always ride, or wait in line. but there is a motion, always, toward loving and being loved. and this time the line was short...unforseen this ride opened...it used to be closed for years...used to make me wistful to see the tracks empty and the gate locked down.

he's coming tomorrow...i feel so calm about it...like a deep moving body of water flooding me with refreshing power. when all the smoke and mirrors have been shattered or have blown away...i wonder if it was him all along, weaving his way back into my world. have all these other fleeting romances grazed the surface to allow me the insight into this next relationship?

it seems so. not to trivialize anything, but i've been told a lot of beautiful words that ring hollow. promises or just emotions that dried up and left barely a trace. mystery men who never appear. mysterious men who disappear. simple and complicated men who tire me, stalk me, or push me away. i have a cetain numbness at this point...like it's gonna take something white hot and powerful to cut through it.

then seven hours have passed and we are still talking. my phone is hot in my ear with his voice, so familiar and low. i think about the first time i laid eyes on him, my knees buckling and body turning hot and cold and dizzy. he was the most handsome thing i'd ever seen...and turned out to be more beautiful on the inside. we both recall a deep knowingness...i wonder if it will still be there tomorrow? i feel like a little kid on christmas...! five years have faded into nothing...
i know it is still there, like embers coming to life after being stoked for a long time.

blast from the past

i remember the day perfectly. his blue almond shaped eyes squinted at the sun. then looked back at me. we had spent the day out on the coast of michigan, taking in the sparkling blue waters and white powdery sands. our feet dangled over the pier and we watched the sunset leaning into eachother. back then we weren't allowed such things. there was a restrained tenderness and affection for one another. everyone assumed the worst, but i looked at the ring on his finger and told myself i knew better. and i did.
we spoke from the heart that day, finally a piece of time to call our own and speak our hearts...three hours from home. a part of me felt guilty for even being there. another part listened to the wanting. he spoke with deliberation, asking me to run away with him to italy. my heart sank, knowing until he made further actions toward divorcing his wife i could never do that. and i didn't want to be the reason. i tearfully told him i was following through with my move to california, and to the man who was waiting for me. he was sad, and a little sullen on the way back. the drive home was three hours and felt much longer than the first leg of the little jaunt. dusk closed in and the trees became indigo and then black silouettes along the highway. we looked at eachother, putting the walls up and heading toward our separate destinies with a certain heaviness.

four years later i received an email from my old friend, and it seems he is divorced and moving to california. san diego to be exact. interesting...very interesting. i wonder what our meeting will bring.

Mirror mirror....

we are all mirrors for the people and lessons we bring to our existence. i applaud that, actually. thank my lucky stars for a sounding board. and then tonight...lovely, lost, alone. i touched the cheeks of a baby girl, i touched the wanting for a child, i touched the barrier i hold against all suitors, lovers, friends. the dare...the quest, the life. i feel so detached from emotion and from others. my sister and i discussed our lack of "caring" today. it is not that we don't care so much...it is that we don't feel anymore. i feel fine the way it is. i have no desire to be married with a child. i thought i was alone in this until she brought it up today. i am having anxiety from not feeling. she's having anxiety from thinking she "should" feel more than she does. we talked, communed, took notes. we are both quite happy, satisfied, balanced. and this feels weird. we both agreed that the absence of stress leaves us with a lot of blank space. and we hate blank space. wanna fill it. rearrange it. feng sui it. fuck. impregnate it. just kidding. however, as scary as this may be, i smelled her tonight. the crown of her perfect baby head. sweet and heady....lilac wine a la jeff buckley with lilac boughs swaying in a pefect midwestern breeze. my friends' child brought new things to the table...i once thought i had it figured out. pepperoni and pineapple. now everything is different. i am older. i am lost. then found, alone.