Keeping it Funky

I am moving into my place this week. The bumper stickers for this city say "keep it funky" and I like that. In fact, I feel a little funky. Brass MONKEY!! That funky monkey...
Bear with me, as I have been up all night painting for Olivia's 8th birthday present. I made her this picture to match her room of a glowing sunset over the ocean. And now I am wiped out. Shit.
I am also smellin' a little funky. Ew. Anyways, I think I will take a little nappy-poo and be ready for the gaggle of rowdy eight year olds when they arrive from school in a few hours.
Two nights ago Paula came down to visit me and we had such a wonderful goddess day/night. Fresh mexican food with live music, ocean views and sunset with champagne and a cuban cigar, drinks at the Lodge in Torrey Pines back in the woods, converstions with these two great energy healing men, more cuban cigars, breakfast at Le Petite Calypso and coffee in large flowery mugs, and I never want a cigar again....j/k. But THREE? G-ross. We all shared, but still...
It was really cool to get some woman-time in with such a great lady. I went down to the ocean after she left and meditated for awhile and picked up stones and thought about my mom. She's always picking up cool stones. I thought about how this is where I want to be, this place glowing with moonstones on the beach and everyone says hi when they pass on the beach. Where women pick up cool stones and smile and show eachother what they've found. She'd like it here. Where there are enough waves and the surfers are mellow. I felt humbled and small and connected there, just a speck of sand. Funky sand.

Hot Carl and the Presidential Consultant

Let me do a brief recap of my night. I had dinner with the President's business consultant last night. He tried to namedrop but what is a 50 year old mexican guy really gonna do to change my mind. TOO OLD!!! Yikes! I draw the line at 44. Sheesh. What was he thinking??? It was funny enough that we went to a "younger" place to watch karaoke and I got hit on by the cuuuutest guy named Rob. Singer in a band....smile to light up a room, and he thought I was out with my DAD! Teehee. I slipped my number in his pocket upon exiting the place because Mario (advisor guy) got really restless and we had to go. Anyways, after Rob sang he asked me what song I was going to sing. I chose Proud Mary and secretly signed both of us up to sing it together. But my master plan failed because we had to leave before I could sing. OH WELL> Left old dude then and went out with Hot Carl.
Now to part deux of my adventure...
Hot Carl. Oh Hot Carl. No excrement involved here, just San Diego's premier chef asking me out. So I went to this place in Torrey Pines called the Lodge to meet up for a drink. We met last week and he told me he would cook for me. He made good on that, believe you me. We sat in this excruciatingly beautiful high end bar in the pine trees and talked about everything under the sun. How I ended up with a foot massage and roomservice prepared by Hot Carl this morning...well, I just don't know. But it seems like paratoopers are falling out of the sky to fulfill my every need in life theses days.
Not bragging, just overwhelmed. Sheesh.
So long story short, I get this knock on the door around nooner and on the tray is seared ahi with asian greens, a bottle of pelligrino, and wild strawberries and fresh cut figs nestled around the smallest vanilla caramelized cheesecake with a spoon made out of pasty dough. It was a work of art. So I lounged around and giggled to myself and ate my breakfast and thought...I don't want a boyfriend. But I might like a Hot Carl.

Could-ya-be Could-ya-be, Could-ya-be-loved?

All you Marley fans out there, feel me.
I have been thinking about love lately. How so many of us (including myself) have over-used and under-thought that word. To truly honor someone or yourself for the real raw truth...it is harder than we all think. Fear has a twisted way of making love into something to contain, control, ultimately lose. Could you be loved? Can I be? I think I am becoming more capable of giving and receiving love without any of the conotations with which it used to come. It is like a breaker is being fixed in my circuits and I feel it flowing and connecting when it used to sputter away and not come back. Is being more open akin to a closed circuit? Is the oneness really just another word for love? In two years of giving my energy away to a man who didn't recognize me or reciprocate, I have learned that I didn't know love the way I do now. For myself. I tried. I talked about getting there. But really I just lived under a marine layer of denial because I was afraid to be alone and seeking. I traded love for fear. I want to encourage you and everyone I know to push past this stigma and allow ourselves to know love. It isn't about measuring out portions or comparing relatioships or even about sex. Mostly is isn't about the physical. Have you ever really unconditionally loved someone including yourself? Are you going to try? Can just that moment be enough to sustain your belief in something more...the more...the more...I finally feel a plateau of safety in my own skin. I finally love me. And as cheesey as that sounds, those of you who know me well know that it has been a long road to this place.

And the Rains Swept it Away

Black-indigo swept the sky last night. The ocean hissed and gently swelled and my eyes ravaged the dark horizon, waiting. It came then, searing the night with electric blue veins. Flickers of clouds turned on and off like they were attached to a cosmic chain. Click. On. Click. Off. Then the rumbling clap of thunder came rolling across the water into my ribcage. Standing on the bluff I shuddered slightly as the wind crept in, colder and tinged with rain. It felt good to stand there, feet planted firmly on the ground, watching the storm brewing. Feeling it's pulse growing heavy and pregnant with rain and fire. The night breathed in and then let go, sending tiny tears on my upturned face. I waited for more, I begged silently to the sky for a sheet of rain to slap me then, but it didn't come until later. The waves sent little green fireflies into the shore where they broke, the phosphorescence barely visible. I slept under the sheet of rain then, listening to the roof humming with tapdancers, jumping at the sound of thunder like a tree was coming throught the roof at 4am. I won't be surfing today, due to the runoff. But that is fine. I haven't had a good old fashioned rainstorm in many years.

Self Realization Fellowship is RAD!

You know me. I am not a religious dogmatic fearful hypocritical being. But I do consider myself spiritual and a little bit on the open minded yet heavily critical side. I mean I don't like church. I don't dig on voodoo or black magic stuff either. Shiver. Ever since my crazy grandma tried to get me dunked in a mass lake baptism to "save my mortal soul" I have turned from anything organized or contained within walls. So I grew in the "Church of the Great Outdoors" and found communion with spirit in nature, animals, family, friends, books, the elements, the very lesson of being alive in this vehicle of a body.

I have become a person of integrated beliefs, a true cornucopia of ideologies. This has been a process stemming from a deep seeded feeling and awareness that everything is related in it's oneness and that no one really knows what happens when we die. Why should I buy into any one book or mythology that was written for ancient people and their ancient set of realities? It would be like telling the future generations after all movies were lost that the Matrix was the last written word of what is real. It makes sense to some of us now, but not all parts of the world agree. And they don't have to...but why we kill eachother over the debate over whose story is RIGHT and all this STUFF! Shit! What lessons are really pertinent here?

Scientists start a heart with a spark of energy. Auras are energy. Atoms revolve around a "sun" just like the rest of the universe and somehow this atom/galaxy could possibly explain why we don't know what the universe is expanding into...I mean have you seen What The Bleep? Vedddy veddy intedesting. I don't buy it all, but I do like a part of it. Why science and religion aren't intergrated?-- I just don't see it as two different things.

The reason for me going off on this tangent is because I have found a place here in Encinitas that was COMFORTABLE for me. Amazing, I know. I actually went to the Self Realization Fellowship on Sunday and expected the worst...guys in robes smacking people in the forehead and waving incense over yuppy-hippies and their open-minded cultish spawn. What I did find was very simple. Nice people, all faiths honored, all gods mentioned, normal people from all aspects of our culture, and some really nice meditation, singing-chanting, and WAH-lah! The first church I want to revisit.

I am not nose diving into some weirdo religion, but I feel like a dormant part of my soul came rushing out to explore more ideas without so much resignation.

There has been an element of reflection since yesterday that I have been missing with all the galavanting, parties, distractions. And it has all been serving a wonderful purpose...but my liver needs a rest and my soul needs some salt water and a moment to look within. The ocean is such a powerful force. I am taking up the pursuit of surfing because it forces me to overcome my fear of sharks and realize that I can do something that comes from the earth. Riding the Knarly Wave of Life just became a lot more clear. We start in our mother's womb floating in the dark, in the salty oasis of the amniotic sac. Now I am floating in the light in the womb of mother earth. Maybe the next step involves less physical things like water, and more light. What do you see when you meditate?

Oh and one more thing. I would never expect you to agree with me or even feel like I was pointing a finger at you. We are all on our own seperate journeys and that is all. If you have found meaning and direction and comfort in your beliefs, I think that is perfect. And me over here, I am finding some interesting things that make sense to me. Okay, I must rest. Check ya later gator!

Nudie Beaches and Late Night Massages!

Well, did that get your attention or what? Yeah, I know. I live a wonderful life where things fall magically into place now that I listen to my real inner voice. That inner voice has been telling me to play, adventure, and get rubbed down by a hottie massage therapist-to-the-stars, for free! Oh, don't you fret, I was a good girl. But I had the most wonderful evening with a scrum-diddly-umptious good massage and energy treatment. Imagine yourself swept away into a land where a gentle, tan, well-muscled energy healing-god rubs you down--- Bow Chicka BOW BOW...okay, stop it!
No, really, the day only got better as the dawn crept toward the skyline. I felt so refreshed, I had to do something I have always wanted to do. So I went skinny dipping on Black's Beach in broad daylight with no qualms about it. And it was fun, I took a friend, and we body surfed like mermaids all day long. I even put seaweed bikinis on for fun. The water is warm and robin's egg blue right now, with long crumbly rollers that you can body surf for days. I feel wholeheartedly happy and look back on last month's disaster as one of the best things that ever coulda happened. YES! I love it down here! I am looking for a place so as soon as I have it figured out, there will be a gathering. Don't worry, I won't drag you to the nude beach unless you want to go. But cousin Laura might appreciate the fact that after all these years, I actually made it down to the nudie beach like I always dreamed of as a kid. And I was mercilessly teased about that, too.
I also decided to learn how to surf and truly get over my fear of great whites. So this week my "private surfing instructor" will be showing me the ropes. I can't wait! Other than that, I am just loving San Diego! I am having a wondeeeerful time meeting new friends, the new job rocks, the Sandoval family rocks, and I can't wait to see you all one day hopefully soon. Over and out, be well, many blessings, light and love, Stephanissimo

A Summer Night's Dream

Strolling through cathedral hallways that open upon stone rooms like a castle,
Golden light sparkling like fairies rippling across the lawn,
spawn from a disco ball from a different time,
Hundreds of beautiful bodies in unison, pulsing to the beat
of a faraway dj,
The steam from the grottos and pools rising,
Aqaumarine droplets in the air,
Tinged with horse money and bedazzlement and snobbery,
But I didn't mind because it was like a movie reel,
Dancing, spinning, eyes filled up with aesthetics,
And it pleased me but didn't overwhelm my selfhood,
So after a night like last I feel inspired and worn out,
Perhaps still a little drunk off of the fun and the dancing and
my new friend Teresa. (And quite a few dirty goose marties)
So was my first night out in Del Mar.
Sleep now. Bye.

Money..it's a gas....

Hello friends. And family. And others.
I am coming off a work week and work DAY that was long and strong. Of course I am still limping around with the remnants of a black eye, but at least I feel somewhat
settled in the ways of having my job in place. I worked a double today at good ole Ruth's Chris and something struck me. I am so glad to be here. It is finally a good fit being in California. And being single ROCKS!!! My new job is super-cool.
I love the laissez-faire of it all. The devil-may-care, the hairy chest-hair...blah blah blah. I love new stuff. And then it all comes sizzling on a plate of butter and smells familiar, like I haven't lost everything I have built in the past couple of years here. And Paula came down to play last night after work and we drank wine and smoked cigars and banged drums and had a marvelous time. So those of you who want to make it down here, it isn't that far. And I promise it will be somewhat of an adventure. I also went to Pageant of the Masters in Laguna Beach with Alec this week. It was phenomenal...talk about a mind trip watching people turn into paintings. Simply incredible stuff. Yay for fun stuff.
I think my eloquence has dried up and only pitiful squeals of dying brain cells remain. So I'm gonna go and watch the boob tube and sleep tonight, for once. Ciao ciao! Steph

oh yeah, how do I add your blogs to mine? or make links?