Markala and Teresa: 2 of my bestests!

Go to the Mountain

After last weekend I thought about the cracks in my heart. The ones that have been there since I arrived on the planet. Like old riverbeds on Mars that have run dry before my memory even existed, I see the etching but don't remember the way it felt when they ran wild and full. All humans carry this feeling I think. We draw colse to remembering through meditation, the ocean, loving eachother, music, art, nature. In one way or another, we find our mythology that makes sense to us and tells the story. Every religion has it's ideology, and though I may not be religious, I am spiritual.
I am not some barren wasteland of dust, don't get me wrong. But in the landscape of my soul there is a place that craves nourishment and aknowledgment. I find peace in nature, and it has been so long since I escaped the city. Until two days ago.

It started out as a trip to the golf course, ironically. 7am, stuck on the 56 freeway waiting in traffic. I got a call saying the boys all flaked on the game, and to go back to bed. Well, going back to sleep was not an option by any means. I turned my yellow bus around and headed out to the east, to the mountains, to the Indian Reservations and the forests. All in all I explored most of east county and a part of Riverside. I made two giant loops and burned up some of those precious fossil fuels. Damn satisfying, I tell you. My chest felt like the elephant sitting on me finally lept off. I peed in the bushes, sang at the top of my lungs, felt my left arm getting tan hanging out of the car, changed into a long skirt and kicked off my shoes.

I first headed to Julian, an old pioneer town famous for gold, pies, and shitty wine. When the city broke, the land unfolded and the sky grew taller-I knew I was getting closer. They have seasons only forty minutes from my place in San Diego. My Michigan roots squealed in delight as I saw my first flaming tree and heard the skitter of dry leaves on pavement. Had some breakfast and read the local paper at a little outdoor cafe and eavesdropped on three older women talking about horses. I wondered if that would be me one day. It felt good to wear a sweater and my beanie. The air smelled a little like smoke and the town was very quiet. I looked into my coffee mug and thought about how I laughed and cried the last stretch of road into the begining of the mountains. My face felt sticky from the tears. Those cracks and depressions in my heart started filling softly with a feeling of calm. How I miss the country.

My mission was to find a campsite for my birthday party next month. Three years ago 300,000 acres of land burned in East county due to the carelessness and ineptitude of a lost hunter. The devastation and loss of trees, animals, homes, lives...pretty gnarly. The regrowth is pushing up through the charred remains, but it doesn't give me the best feeling either. The bottoms of trees are exploding in bushes of fresh green, but the tops protrude like black grave markers covering the mountains and valleys. Creepy. I drove further after a few disappointing state parks.

It felt freeing to be alone miles from nowhere (Cat Stevens, holla!) and to listen to music and drive. I went to Lake Henshaw, Pauma Valley, Pala, Fallbrook, Alpine, La Jolla Res., Viejas, and to the very top of Palomar Mountain. It took a bit of effort and about fifty switchbacks to make it up to the top (6000 ft. ele.) and I prayed the truck wouldn't poop out. It was fine, and I went to the State Park to find information on camping. I think this is the spot I will take my friends. Driving through the trees my tires made popping sounds as they crushed the acorns ont he road. Everything was still and three deer wandered across my path. I also saw rabbits, lizards, wild turkeys, hawks, emus, goats, cows, horses...you name it man.

The air was so clean and thin I couldn't get enough of it. The lookout point perched up high and I could see for hundreds of miles. The land looked like waves of green ocean, shrouded in wispy layers of mist down below. The sun felt sharp and piercing, like standing too close to a fire. Immediately I wished I had come prepared with a guitar and a journal, but oh well. Dancing above me was yet another redtailed hawk, and I had only the wind and the hum of the insects for company.

I stopped for fresh corn and fruit on the res, talked to my mom when my phone regained service. I ate some of the pistachios and spit the shells out on the road, the salt burning my lips. Meditated on the mountain for an hour or two and then came back to my life. All things suddenly seemed different. I thought about making the journey to the mountain more of a habit. I thought about running away to the wilderness, but I know I couldn't handle it yet. A little taste was just what the doctor ordered.

Fricken Good Chicken:Better Than Sour Grapes

I was excited yesterday when I arrived at work. I made sure I would be looking cute for that night. I cut my hair recently and so now when I curl it the layers flip up and look pretty flirty. I was feeling flirty too, even with a long twelve hour double shift ahead of me. They even made us some delicious chicken fajitas for lunch, and I was stoked. In my nerdy little 13 year old-crush riddled brain, twelve hours was nothin', man. Because straight after work Bruno invited me to check out this Brazilian band and dance the samba. With him. Or so I thought. So I rush out of work, change into sexy gear, and invite a few friends to join me as support. No one wants to go. So I go it alone. This is character building, I tell myself. It is fine. A few coats of deodorant, a few wardrobe changes, new lipgloss, piece of gum. Go time.

After a final inspection I change back from jeans to a skirt and go back in to the club in La Jolla. Gulp. I don't really know how to samba, but I am a good dancer. So I draw on that, and go up the elevator. The door swooshes open, and I am drawn into a dark, sultry bar with exotic beats pulsing from within. Candles, people of all colors and shapes dancing and shuffling...my eyes roam until finally I see Bruno's head with a couple of braids in front and hair down his back. He comes over with a big smile and hug and then Poof!! He leaves me for the rest of the night. I try to be brave and dance by myself, but I have been on my feet all day and my bravado and my initial excitement fades fast. Dammit, foiled again! He dances with every other "friend" but me. And I retire to a seat alone and just watch as the thing unfolds. I contemplate leaving without a word, but deem that unacceptable and immature. I decide on a corona, and some time to observe things from a distance.

Then the plain jane Italian guy approaches, and I barely listen to his emphatic speeches about acai (the Brazilian fruit/nut) while I look over his shoulder at Bruno dancing closer with the girl in red. They sit, heads close together and her hand plucks at the back of his sweaty t-shirt while my heart sinks further into the ground and the Italian guy drones on and on. I leave the club after saying goodbye and walk to my car in the dark. It gets darker as I walk, feeling foolish and let down. I guess it is all humbling, but I am tired of being disappointed. I turn out of the driveway and my phone blows up as Bruno and the girl get into his big truck. Sigh. It is Carl, the infamous chef of blogs past. I answer, steadying myself to be kicked while I'm down.

He asks "Hey whatcha doing?" and I tell him I am in La jolla and going home. (He lives in La Jolla). I am trying to flip a bitch but this car is riding my ass and Carl says he's just crawling into bed. The car continues to tail me and I am starting to freak out a little and try to ditch the car in a neighborhood. Every turn the lights follow me and I pull over in a sidestreet. "It's me, you dumbass, I have been behind you this whole time". Jesus fricken christ. I am relieved and apprehensive too. I haven't seen Carl in a long time and there's nothing like adding insult to injury on a night like this. We talk, he's still emotionally unavailable, I go home in 10 minutes, and then the triple whammy. The football player calls, saying "Wish you were here." If a guy wants you, he'll call you and ask you out. He'll make an effort. He might even drop what he's doing to meet you after work. I don't appreciate a drunk dial from a played out bar in PB at 1 am when trolling for ass is dried up and it is last call. TAKE ME ON A DATE! DON'T show up with a girlfriend, and goddamn it DON'T blow me off for a year and then tailgate me through La Jolla. Fricken Good Chicken, man. AHHHHRGGGHH!

So today I actually cried, (but not hard) and felt really frustrated. So I did the best thing I could and went to a kick ass yoga class, spent five hours at the beach, had quality time with Lela before she moves to Maui in a week. I talked to friends, went to work, and had a glass of champers after work before coming home to vent. Sometimes I feel so different than then rest of the world. Like I was born in the wrong century. I try to learn and be kind and open and learn how to give but I always focus on the wrong men. And I have just about had it, man. The Bruno thing was a big let down, just because my expectations were guided to something that apparently is nonexistent. But that doesn't mean I am any less driven to love capoeira... that doens't change a thing. I have been stoked to start the big class and learn more. YEAH-yer.

I do feel retarded, but what am I supposed to think when the guy has taken me to dinner, to cliffs at sunset, to beautiful beaches, to places in his mind, played guitar in the back of my truck, sang to me, thrown feathers in the wind...???? Stretched me over his back and told me to "just melt" and then this? I feel so silly. And so crushed. What's with the warm eyes and smile and hugs... and then the girlfriend? Any advice?

My girls tell me to forget it and not to put anyone on a pedestel. It is kinda hard not to when the person you seek materializes in front of you but you can't have them. I am going to freak out. I am too thin skinned for this bullshit stuff. I want to squish the optimism in my heart that tells me if I exist, then there is a counterpart to me that exists too. Well, that's all my blubbering for one night. There is sure to be more a little later, so I can fully exorcise the demons and act mature and collected on the outside. Yikes! Here's to honesty on the net. Goodnight, friends.

He threw a feather to the wind.....

Something so sure and fluid
Inside him there is a molten stained-glass window reasonating with heat and light.
He walked to the bluff silently, with the prowess of a sleek jungle cat and released a long grey feather into the sun and wind.
Like seeds falling as helicopters do, it spun.
Back past his face and down to the grass.

A mystery, this shining person.
Weilding multiple languages and twirling kicks like it is nothing.
Knowing everyone in his world who passes by, and smiling.
Eating exotic purple foods and tossing muted friendliness and encouragement.
Admiration grows in me, though I long not to appear shy and wanting.
Music flowing from him, nature seeping through his comfortable brown skin,
How I long to have that much grace and confidence.

Over 500 kicks today
My cartwheels (Au) suffered toward the end and I felt dizzy
Overwhelmed by his design, testing I am sure
How serious am I about this training? To what measure will I stand?
More than anything I want to grasp this art of the game and
I want my kaleidoscope to melt.
I want to walk with silent, balanced, agile steps.

I have a long way to go, I said, aknowledging my struggle. Smiling.
We all do, he affirmed.
I have never seen a man throw a feather in the wind, calling on his native instincts.
I miss my people, I crave some peace and good company. Maybe through becoming better company to myself I will find those deep currents that draw one back to the begining.
Spiralling from ego and landing in the soft grass.

Thanks, Bruno.

I'm OVER IT!!!!!

Vegas could burn down tomorrow and I wouldn't care. Just got back from two days in the delightful City of Sin and I couldn't be happier to be back home. Dirty, nasty, and frankly pretty boring. I don't gamble, I am not rich, and I hate being wasted. So, that leaves not much to do in Vegas, huh? Yeah, see Celine Dion, I forgot. Puke. The five of us girls all headed out for Markala's birthday and each one of us came back thinking the same thing...we'd rather go surfing, camping, snowboarding, ANYTHING! Anything but go there again.
I used to think it was fun, but I always went with a boyfriend. Being single in that town made me rethink things, for sure. Pulsating drugged/drunk people and lights and bells and fuck! Man, it was not much fun. I had more fun doing crazy dances to an Irish band in a faux-Irish bar than in the clubs we went to. The first night I was in bed by midnight. The second night I just wished I was in bed by midnight. The party bug has died...

I have been cured!!!!

Anyways, I have a day off today and I just spent some time in the sun with Toogie Monster feeding him apples and having quality time. He loves living in the back yard here at my cousin's house and I swear he even smiled at me today. I have been sitting on the back porch playing guitar for him and I think he likes it. Later on today I have training with Bruno and I am going to try to drop off some artwork around town at two restaurants I know. See if I can sell it. Hope you are having a great day!! Ciao!

Water Over Whine....

We went to Vegas. I wished I staid in SD. It wasn't that I had a terrible time or anything, I just feel disinterested in what Vegas stands for these days. I know, I shake my head. A year ago I would have had the most insane adventures...this being my first all girl trip to the City Of Sin...I can just say I am glad to be home. So glad. We all drank and danced and some of us puked and others pretended to be sea lions at the topless pool. Arr Arrr!!!!But I am officially over it. All I could dream of was coming home to do more training for capoeira and finishing some of my song I am writing. Man. Anyways, I would like to proudly report that I did not smoke a single cigarette this month and I am now considering myself a true nonsmoker. I escaped this weekend w/o evn thinking about one. So awesome!
I am going to relax a bit before work and catch up on some things. (Scooping bunny poop!) Yum! Peace out.

Capoeira has captured me by the horns!

Check this out.
Dancing...check!
Drumming...check!
Acrobatics...check!
Killer physical work out...double check!
Challenging, beautiful, fun, difficult,inspiring, and a meritage of all things I really love to do. Did I mention I love it? LOVE.
I know things tend to stir my interest and then I go head first into it..whatever "it" is that I feel passionate about. Then it generally loses some appeal and I get bored. But the whole thing makes me head over heels excited..literally. My second session was yesterday and I spent half the day upside down or twisted into some kind of wonderful stretchy sproingy contortion. Dude.
Bruno took me to the top of La Jolla at Soledad Park and we made use of the springy grass and how flat it was. Think of a nice flat plateau with a 360 degree view of the ocean, mountains, and city creeping through the hills. So beautiful.
The workout consisted of a lot of stretching and warming up and getting the rhythm of the base of it down...not sure if this is spelled correctly but "ginga" (think szhing-gah). It is brazilian and african in origin, but the steps and combinations are all in Portuguese. So not only am I learning different beats, languages, moves...I feel like I am learning to be more open to not knowing. It makes me thirsty. A little shy, too. I want to know everything about it and especially want to pick up the language. I feel a little uncoordinated and bashful, but it is good to get over that stuff and he is really patient when I feel flustered. "I know just how you feel right now, don't worry. Try it like this." He is a good teacher and a wonderful person to be around. Seeing how fit and agile he is inspires me to be that good. He's got a 10 year head start....hmm. Gotta really work at this.

When Bruno counts off during a drill it sounds so melodic and warm. I guess I have a craving to be more worldly and capable of interaction in a few languages. It is so spotty right now and I admire him for being able to navigate through so many worlds. It feels strange to be in a situation where I feel like a novice of EVERYTHING...humbling for sure. After we did the workout, we went all over and he showed me the Wind and Sea beach. The water was roaring over the reef, breaking right at the shore and further out as well. I charged in and felt the surge of the undercurrent with it's invisible aqua fingers dragging me south. I felt weak from the workout and staid pretty close to shore. The sand made a scooting sound when I shuffled my feet, and my skin absorbed the sun like a black stone draws heat. SO many simple feelings and yet it has taken me so many complex turns to find this way. I feel like I have returned to being real.
(Just in time to go to Vegas in two days...shit!)

After the beach I has some great Mexican health food and he showed me Sunset Cliffs in Ocean Beach. It looked like outerspace with sienna colored dust on top of golden sandstone cliffs. The ocean was meeting the wide open arms of the craggy earth and there was zero street noise, just the hissing of the ocean. Bruno had mentioned earlier that when the sea laps up to meet your feet and retreats with a little hiss it is saying hello to him. This cliff was saying more than hello, and it was really a stunning place.
Life feels so good right now, and such a change from even last month. I have replaced the partying with doing physically and mentally and spiritually stimulating things. I actually woke up at 8 am two days in a row without an alarm..HELLO! Amazing! Check.
Well, let's see. Aside from yesterday being a wonderful day, today I got to take Markala's puppy around town on my errands and baby Burton is so cute!! I love watching him for her. I look at how he interacts with the world...so open, friendly, excited to see and sniff new things and people. Not a judgment in the world about anyone. He brings so much joy to everyone he meets and it makes me want to be more like him...(without certain dog attributed of course! EW!) He did piss on the floor in excitement at the hair salon though. Oops. At least it was him and not me! Ha!
I hope you are well, light and love, Steph

Gnarly, not Knarly

The debate raged on into the wee morning hours. Then, I crumbled. It is G-narly, not K-narly. Well, who knew? I guess I have to blame my midwestern roots. Silent K has given way to the almighty G. Oh well, G can be cool too. Stupid passive silent K. Get up, stand up! Stand up for your rights. Um, well, I have spent the past two weeks moving...hellish and hot and full of perspiration and curses. Now I want to become a minimalist. Yeah, we'll see. Artist/minimalist. Ha!
My lovely cousin has put me up for awhile in her beautiful home. So what do I do? I fix the car, I go to Vegas, I go home to marry my friends J. and Jeanette in a couple of months...I get my nails done (God they needed help) and I finally have time to work out. Halle-fricken-luyeah. Soooo, the biggest news is that I am going to try Capoeira (brazilian-afro dance/martial art) next week. Woohoo! Should kick my ass. But there are drums, white outfits, and of course, cute boys. Can't forget the man-candy. Just for the window shopping, I promise. Life's good, gotta serve up them steaks now. Mmmm...butter and steak. Moooooo!!!!! Ciao!