my christmas gift

there was little snow on the ground this year when my plane landed. i wasn't so concerned about it...more of a relief to be able to land safely this year. i stood in detroit metro waiting for my bags to circulate on the belt and i held violet close in one arm. my feet hurt from a days travel in heels, but i refuse to travel looking like a schlump. the one time i did break my rule, i ran into my arch nemesis from highschool. needless to say, she looked amazing in her powersuit and heels as i stumbled half asleep into the luggage claim wearing the largest sweatshirt and pants you've ever seen. incredulously, she strained closer as i walked by without a stick of makeup on and a greasy pony tail. she said loudly, "STEPHAN-IE F-OX?!?!" the glee in her voice was the cherry on top. i couldn't get away fast enough, and since that moment i have never run into anyone i knew ever again at the airport. hahaha. however, it makes me feel good to present myself the way the older generations would when they traveled...you know, like you are really going somewhere. i think of my grams with her dark stained lips and red little suitcase, stockings with a line running up the back and trim little suit on. when she was young we looked a lot alike.
the thing about the airport i like most is the loud airy sound whooshing around in the background. planes roaring, escalators mindlessly moving at the same pace nomatter how late you may be, people of all description moving and flowing with different stories. i realized that in the past five years i have become very comfortable being alone and navigating through the terminals. this time i met a scientist on my flight who showed me his latest workshop online about neurotransmitters and the way in which the synapses work in the brain. basal lamina, protein links, microscopic art within our bodies and brains. it took me back to a time when i studied the brain and spoke the lingo. we both laughed at how we saw the world in such different frames. i told him i thought that science only affirmed how much we'll never know...and how faith in the moment is all i really have to offer. we are all learning pieces of the picture, never fully developing our brains long enought to see the mosaic stretching into infinity. needless, he stood from afar while my mom and sister surprised me from behind.

"OOOH!," they squealed. "let's see your hair...and the baby dog...and ooooh! it's so good to see you! my, you look so different! we hardly knew it was you!!!"

i stood there with the sounds of the airport swirling around me, the petrie dish of my life unfolding, the synapses in my brain making a thought become a movement.

we create our realities by our thoughts. science tells us our muscles move due to a chain reaction starting from a trigger thought in the brain and making us act, feel, say, do. i think it's all the same thing, my philosophy and that scientist's.

the cold air smacked my body like a cold sharp hand of death, and i screamed, "hol-y crap!" when we walked throught the double doorways out to my dad. pulling up my jacket and burying my face deeper into violet's fur, i thought about last christmas when i was home.

things have changed so much in a year.

yet a core element has staid the same. we spoke again, this time wearing slightly different masks. a part of me remains the same, and i feel i received the most wonderful gift of all. i have all of my loved ones back in my life. and the part of my heart that was missing has found it's way home.

Perception

owl came to me in a dream two nights ago. he silenced me with his foot, speaking in a language without words. a language of light and color. listen, he said. the holographic colors sprayed out like a sunburst, then he merged with me and exploded inside of my heart. i awoke immediately, flooded with an energy and knowingness i find indescribable. these words fail me now, but i still jab away at it. yesterday after the dream very powerful lessons resounded in my corner of the universe. like a prism refracting the same rainbow, the lesson echoed in every single interaction i held. listen. each person holds their own truth. each version of reality can filter the same words, events, light in such different directions. when you talk so much you don't listen. if you were to listen to their independent language, you might be able to appeciate something more than the static in your own head. i am finding people that talk too much annoy me. it is really because i see myself in them and it is part of me i don't like. kriss calls it my professor mode. she tolerates it because she says i am worth listening to most of the time. haha. i have been working on listening instead of talking, and yesterday i felt owl holding my tongue. i sat back and heard so many things. people told me very heavy news, very big news, very hurtful news, and very loving news. i am more aware. i feel so humbled, delighted, bewildered, and calm at the same time. it is like i found a new lense that untangled everything in my life. a new set of super sexy binoculars.

rings of blue light

hurtling through the space between my eyes,
gently travelling at warp speed through blue rings of light.
not unlike a silent vacuum of time,
everything unravelling and moving in a direction forward,
into the nothingness,
the unknown everything,
cosmic soup and even the ideas i have become dust,
vanishing in the vastness.
it is here i am known,
the luminous oneness enveloping me like honey,
stripping my senses of the world,
only existing in a plane of love.
all questions answered.
all limits dissolved.
i am free.