I've Missed YOU (and by you, I mean ME)

In the everyday thrum of madness, school, work, child rearing, friendship, partnership, and basic family insanity, I forgot to honor the silence. Not the bone dead tired silence of falling into bed or the blacked out silence of having a few too many drinks, but just sitting in silence. Awake. Aware. Alone. Without pressure to DO. Ahhhh, that enormous laundry list of things to do. I sat tonight, under the stars, and wondered where my fire went. Did I burn it out doing too much or did I let it wane doing too little? At any rate, I feel unsatisfied. And lazy. I feel like my greatness has not been tapped. I have been idle this summer, post graduation. I let my body rest and grow soft. My son has grown into a little man and I have endured the strain of servitude in the public sphere. To be clear, I came here to bitch so please just look away if it bothers you. But I see my reaching into the dusty files and doing backflips for this lost blog's password as a kind of ignition. I LOVE to write. I LOVE to dance. I LOVE to make art. So this week I am making a stand to take it back. Steal it back from anxiety....the world makes me fearful...our government, the system, the upper-class, the disease in our animals and vegetables, our water, our soil, our air, the vaccine dilemma. I am going back to what works. There are no promises...it's raw, it's real, it's fraught with my true humanity uncloaked for the first time in a long time. Welcome back home, self. I saw my brother's girlfriend lose herself recently. The only reason it bothers me is because it resonates with me. She said, "I'm just here until your brother is done with me." I asked her what she was doing that night. Whaaaaaat??? My brother is an enigma all his own but whaaaaaat? GET A LIFE! Oh, all those fingers pointing back at me through the years. I spent so much time chasing affection that I ended up intolerant of the same quality. So I came to believe the only action that needs to be taken is from me. Get busy. So I took a tribal belly dancing class (awesome and terrifying) and met some wonderful women. I made a vow to paint again. I made a few steps in creating sacred spaces in my home. I am back, I am here, and I will be writing again. Much love!