No car, no phone, soon no toogie!

Whoah...it sounds like the beginning of a bad country song! I left my phone in my friend's car after the beach today...I was trying to make an escape as her drunk boyfriend tried to exchange pleasantries with me and yet they both were fuming at eachother. It was awkward...it made me think over and over in my head that I am so glad not to be in that situation. Yuck!! She seems trapped and unhappy...and I was trapped and unhappy in the back seat of her car. It made me realize I need to get on it! I need to find the spirit van, and I need my phone back. So now I am forced to spend my Sunday carless and phoneless...I guess I will try to be productive and make some progress on my paintings. They are slowly evolving into pieces I don't recognize...nothing like what I have done in the past. Ahhh, good. I am thinking about getting a cargo van and making it into my little travelling cave. The man at the used car place in Leucadia gave me a brilliant idea...persian rugs and a hammock...whoah! So I have been combing Craig's List in search of the right one. And trying to save my money for Thailand and other expenses coming up. Amanda got accepted into the yoga teacher training program, so after my annual snowboarding trip with the chicks it is off to Thailand for a time. I am very excited to finally make it down there...a place for which I have been yearning for years. ;) Woohoo!
The ocean was gorgeous today...aqua and clear and warm. I spent the better part of the afternoon bodysurfing and sunning. I am so blessed to live this life, here in this moment. In other news, I found a possible new home for Toogie! There are four other tortoises there and a half acre grass pasture for him to frolic inside and eat grass. And hump!!! Come on, who doens't like to hump...especially with three other african spur thighed ladies! I am going to scope it out, and get ready to send him on his way to a better life. That is the final lesson he will teach me...letting go of our loved ones when it will be in their best interest to let go. I have had a lot of that attachment lesson since my accident. It is beautiful, and I am so thankful to find him a place that includes everything I wished to manifest. It's working!!! The universe really does listen...

respect

someone has given me a free tour...a guided tour into their heart. i am not worthy of such tours...as my heart is taken by another. what an oxymoron...to be given such a gift and yet not able to receive it. i want to, don't get me wrong. i am just completely not inclined. i feel this is stupid. i can't let go. i can't get comfortable with the comfortable. we walked through the grocery store two days ago and the song "love the one you're with" came on. i squeezed his hand in mine and thought about running madly in the other direction...toward brocolini, toward honesty. shiiiiiit. at this point it is about respect, and honestly i must give it. honesty is giving it. it just feels weird. i hate letting someone beautiful down. they deserve more. damn it.

ahhh, i live at a spa....

serenity courses through my soul as the house lays quiet. i am trying to reach a place of sleepytime, but the 3 hour nap earlier is not helping. our house is a home, clean, quiet, pantry full of healthy food, plants, animals, fresh flowers, clean towels. i thought about it being kind of my own personal spa...to run back home to after a busy day. we discovered the amazing wet sauna tonight, and had a sweat session before a midnight swim. the pool looks like the color of the ocean in the bahamas, and it moves like liquid jello at night...undulating seductively. i love floating on my back and looking up at the stars and this beautiful round tree. my personal goal is to sneak in without a splash. don't want the neighbors waking up...especially the nasty old woman living directly above the jacuzzi. (of course she does...) hehe. i feel so blessed to have this space right now. i live with such a kind and funny person, i feel at home for the first time in forever. living at my cousin's inland was a lot harder on me than i felt able to express. throughout everything that has unfolded in the last few years, i feel grateful for it all. the rollercoaster is taking a break right now and i relish it.
i feel happy just being.

a few days ago i cleaned the house, finished painting, rearranged the upstairs, did a energy clearing ceremony on the place, and created a space for yoga in the front room. there is nothing but clean wood floors, yoga tools, drums, and candles. glorious! all of my artwork is finally hung..the body of work i have created started to register with me once hanging it everywhere. i love seeing the parts of my spirit and life at different angles captured. i know that this is what i am meant to do. not surprisingly, i met a publisher who wants to look at my work. i am in the process of sending her a sample. yay! i have been setting intentions and things have been moving along in divine flow. it feels good to be in a place of restfullness and contentment after feeling so strung out during the transition back to the coast and out of the situation i was living in. all things were by my choice, but the learning curve was set at an intense rate. the universe provides us with challenges and things we can handle. i don't carry any regrets about a single step. once it was a struggle to be present at all, let alone present in the moment. sigh...my contacts are burning, so i must crawl into bed now. namaste.

a night to breathe

my face is hot and somehow sunburned from who knows what. it was a humid grey day on the coast today and i couldn't muster the desire to do more than walk in the waves. it felt nice, walking with a belly full of acai and ginger brew, warm water lapping at my ankles, new elf threads on all comfy and sweet. the house is mellow tonight, and i relish the quietude. the past few weeks have been nonstop celebration and fun. i flipped the hermit switch to the off position and embraced my inner social animal. whew....i am ready for a rest. i have had a house full of people since before my mom came to visit. i have been meeting the most incredible souls lately...i feel so blessed to be surrounded with such lovely spirits. now it is quiet and calm, no music on, just nighttime filling up the space. sigh. time for tea and bed. goodnight!

the bisexual curveball

i loved her, so much that it burned inside of me brighter than my fear.
her humor, her presence, her smell, the way she stroked my hair and let me wear her turquoise ring at a party. i looked at it on my finger, took a long drink, and looked up to find a familiar pair of eyes catching me. damn him...he knew. my friend kevin picked up on stuff faster than anyone else. mostly because he was an observant and perverse little mutherfucker, but also because he loved to play cupid. especially lesbian cupid in this case. looking back on it i had been with women before, but never like this. never in the sense that i felt the room move and shift into focus around her laugh, her gaze...every man in the place wanted her. and she knew it, because it was normal. a toss of blonde mane and quick glance in my direction now and again...i can't forget it. kevin drew me aside and told me how she loved to play and wanted me. i shivered a bit with anticipation and nervousness..with every man in the room how could she pick me? then again, how could she not?
looking back on it now it is a bit foreign. it has been years since we spent sweet drunken hours on the beach, in our tent, long manes tossing and lithe bodies snaking in firelight. i still dream now and again of the time she surprised me in the showers, lavender soap and quarters...her small hands caressing my body in wonderment and celebration. i think of this now, because my friend told the neighbor that i am a bisexual artist. i have only fallen in love with one woman, been with many, but to be introduced to new neighbors as the "bisexual artist" is something unexpected. i feel so exposed, so i write it here tonight to take control of that exposure.
i am comfortable with my openness in regards to love and sexuality. i have always shared when asked. i don't typically wear it like a badge,because it is not my identity. i do not feel ready to wave a rainbow banner at some gay pride march. i just feel open to feeling love and seduction when i do.
i wonder about her now, year later, and hope she has found contentment. i have found i am my own best lover. so where does that put things?
it is so rare for me to find a woman attractive on this level, and equally rare to find a man. such a bisexual curveball, huh?

meetings of inexplicable design

when something tells me to stay,
i pause in the knowingness,
and the greater picture is unclear at the time,
but gut instinct tells me to huddle close to the ground.
the buffalo vibrations move me,
the bones in my ribcage respond to an ancient drumming,
my ear pressed firm to the ground.
i taste the sweet tang of fresh heart blood,
i sing the warbling tremolo of a song not lost,
for it lives in me.
so i do,
my mouth forming words my new mind doesn't understand.
my spirit soars and that is enough.
for now.
i string colors, strands, beads, feathers.
i burn sage, wood, incense, fire, wax.
i dream deep, quiet recesses unfolding with answers.
i breathe deep, knowng the answers already there and smiling.
it is, and was, and will be.
we are one.

it came as no surprise tonight to meet a publisher of art and gifts and books.
it made me smile inwardly that part of the sales are donated to charitable works.
it pleased me further to know am ready to share my art and words with the world.
if nothing else, the universe pushed me toward some of my attainable goals...within these is a greater capacity for sharing, loving, teaching, humility, and freedom to travel.
a push, after the new moon...

inside the fortress

the storm blows in, pregnant air tinged with anticipation, rain.
the night inhales and holds her breath, waiting for the slap of his rage,
his passion, his gift, his absence.
she beckons, thirsty for change, for more than the easy soaksoaked days,
and he comes with fury,
whipping her palmtree hair and rearranging the face of this small town.
she sighs, giving way as her bridges and dykes fall into the rising water,
melting borders,
small voices drowning,
stronger ones remaining.
drenched and disheveled, she watches her world change,
wondering at the silence after it's departure,
letting her breath out in a long cool sigh.
the face of her town looks different, by invitation.
as a small part of her whispers "i'm sorry".
another part of her isn't sorry at all.

anti yuppie soap and my fall from grace

hehe. just kidding. no fall from grace. but i DID make soap today and flavored it with nutmeg, patchouli, rose petals, cinnamon, tea tree and mint. it is all a little concoction to ensure yuppies will remain at an arms-length distance. i am kidding! it just smells really pretty in a "day off work" kinda way. damn. i just got back from a little encinitas sesh...a few drinks at the local watering hole. yet another reminder (besides the soap) that i have no desire to spend my nights like this. dressing up is fun. mingling is fun. bar fights and drunken retard surf rats...where's my soap??? i should know better...just needed a little distraction. all it proved was that i am over it. i already knew that, but it is true. at least i ran into an old artist friend and we caught up. i love hearing about dreamers becoming doers. beautiful. i still can't believe i used to spend my nights in the dive bars wasting my whiskey breath on that scene. what a difference a year makes.

my heart

i beat
drumming strong,
when you sing, when you weep.
you forget me sometimes,
then you fill me with song.
so much love has been lost when i held it too long...
too hard, packing it into a void that would never be filled,
outside in.
beautiful dream, you never came to me.
you gave me words, gave me strength, but fell away on the day we would meet.
sometimes you come visit me,
dreaming of us in my sleep.
i beat
humming songs,
some sung in a minor key,
husky and low for only me,
to hear,
painting pictures for only me to see.
the changing road was once so dark,
twisting sharply and unexpectedly.
the loves come and gone have left my heart,
and staid there too,
in the pause between beats.
i credit them not for the beat,
only me.
i thank them for the beauty
though fleeting it may be.

these moments,
strung together once tore my soul,
when i wasn't whole or loving inside-out,
just craving the outside in.
i recover quickly and love deeply, but there have been so many loves and so many moments.
so much blessing, so many kisses, so many tones and shades of beating this drum in the name of love.
i beat,
still feeling,
but strangely altered into a safe space.
holding none but my self,
which used to feel painful but now feels so grand!