Taking a break...

Ink stained fingers tap at keys connected to a universal idea.
The web glows at me, like a former flame from a tribal fire. We used to dance around such things, and now I bask in a cool ice-blue light from a new circle of fire. The 21st century hearth. No heat comes, but a little glows on my cheeks from the vodka and the internal rush of ideas...again, at 2 a.m. My nocturnal nature rises again to fuel the rush of color over the canvas. Melted wax perfumes the air with a slight smell of honey, and thoughts drift to the cycle of sun, rain, earth, flower, bee. I make art out of the earth, inspired by life on earth, and something that will most likely decompose into the soil again. But the process of creation gives me purpose, so that inevitably it is enough. Money would be nice too. But the starving artist rises and falls like every story about the starving artist. I am not cutting off my ear or getting syphillis just to get famous....sorry to disappoint you. I did make apple crisp tonight in a wild wave of euphoric domesticism. Full on apron and apple slicer...the kind women in the midwest use with a handle to crank 'em out, peeled and cored and ready for pies. I watched the skins streaming out of my apple loom, winding like the seagrass that lines the river bottoms in Michigan. I watched my hands with their blue veins standing up out of the skin, like an old woman. I wonder what these hands will do in twenty more years. Tonight in my humble place, in my starting over place, I still felt grateful for being. I am not going home to the grey house in the woods with it's cozy candlelight and familiar faces. But it is my little thanksgiving anyways. I have places to go, but I feel it is best to just be in my own kitchen, warm my own little home with smells of my childhood and womanhood. They are now one and the same. When you are thirteen you think of twenty six like an unfathomable place. Now I am here, thinking the same thoughts about being thirty six. I might make the same apple crisp in ten years and think about the recipe I got from Ms. Sappenfield in second grade. I might remember that I was shy and scared the first time I tasted this dessert. Now I make it and feel strong and lost and found and lonely and happy and new. So I tuck it away into casserole dishes and canvasses...I hide the wistfulness of being seven into the glass of vodka or the emphatic smile and optimism. But in these moments, I feel grateful to feel. To be present. Albeit neurotic and self involved. But the feeling and growing in life is what's pretty, not the outward appearance of having it all together. Some things I have together, and others fray at my fingertips. I search for the end only to find myself at the begining again. But how may people allow themselves this freshness, this inspiration, this time to not know everything? I guess we all need a lesson in being uncomfortable and yet finding some stillness to enjoy it. I realized tonight that I have a small stillness in a small ritual. So I am grateful. Now it is time to resume the batik. Goodnight, Steph

Thankful Times

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!

Poolhall Drama and Jagermeister

So. I learned that cleavage, pool, jager, and marine corp assholes don't mix very well. Why can't a gal just play a little (drunken) pool with her well muscled tight-shirt wearing guru dude, and be left alone in peace? But NOOOO! The testosterone wells up and unleashes itself...did this happen in West Virginny Juliet? Hehehe. I learned recently that playing pool in the right outfit(no matter how drunk you are or how bad at playing pool) can lead to a complicated night. So Guru was teaching me to shoot pool last night and simultaneously six marines called him King Kong and challenged him to a "pool duel". Gawd. More on this story later, my battery is dying......mrrrr.

Art Show Woes and the Flexible Flows....

So I am learning that being flexible is one of life's greatest strengths. Not the russian splits like in gymnastics, though that can be fun for other reasons. Hehe. I mean that allowing the course to change and the flow to run without stressing yourself out. I did have a week of nonstop 5am creation-crunch sessions before my art show was moved to March. MARCH! So I slept for two days after that news and felt relief. Disappointment of course, but mostly that everything happens the way it will. And that is okay. I am in better spirits than last I wrote, namely due to the fact that my little sister is here visiting and I haven't seen her since May. It is a lifetime ago in the spectrum of life changing events for both of us. I have been giving her a tour of the San Diego lifestyle and today I struck a nerve.
(My somewhat selfish evil plot was to have her stay the winter...) Muahhh ha ha!!

We had brunch with the cousins at Potato Shack, twined our way through the Seaside Bazaar with it's tents and bright people smiling, skipped with Sophia and drank slurpees, visited Scott and the gang at 101 Diner, and then relaxed at my new apartment in Leucadia. I also got a new beanie that is brown and a sister of the almighty Fluffy. (my amazing Deana hat from Big Sur) The truth is, I haven't had such a wonderful day in awhile. And she understood why I landed and loved it here. No amount of comedy shows, drinks in swanky places, or any of it has made her as happy as being with family and getting a goddess skirt and spending time in a little surf town. It made me content in a way that all the late nights and crazy parties and new friends cannot touch. It is being with your best friend and saying the same thing at the same time. It is dancing around being happy in your place, and being able to share the "not knowing" knowingness of being a little nomadic or unsettled.
I have had a lot of adventures this month (big surprise) but the journey to a better place emotionally, financially, and spiritually has been my focus. I feel blunt, like addressing the issues in boldfaced font and spelling it out without fear. I think people wait a long time to face up and be honest. Most of us hate confrontation but it normally feels good once it is executed skillfully and in a tactful fashion. Thank you to all you good friends and family members who have helped me get here and supported me in so many ways. I have learned from your lessons, honesty and tact. It amazes me how many wonderful people I know and love. Thank you for being in my life, no matter where we are living. I miss you and love you and feel so grateful to have this life, this moment. Goodnight. Steph