Sets of Three

The single paned windows are rattling and the trees look like someone with their head out the car window. I'm drinking cream soda and eating pretzels, wondering just how much wind it would take to bust in the glass. It'd be nice to have a fire, but it's a fake fireplace with a ceramic log and the ignition seems to be broken. I've spent the day wondering where to go from here. I am not so much worried about the destination, but there seems to be a three pronged fork in the road. I am going to an open house tomorrow for a two year horticulture program focusing on enology and viticulture. I think making wine would be a marriage of so many things that I love. Spending time outdoors, moving to the country, getting my hands dirty, making liquid art. I've met a lot of winemakers over the years and most of them are drunks. This part is unappealing, as I am trying to remain in balance. I've thought about the spiritual psychology program up in Santa Monica too. A few of my favorite authors graduated from their master's program and I have a few friends currently enrolled there as well. I've always thought about writing fiction. I've wanted to be an author since fourth grade. I am inspired by break out authors like J.K. Rowling who almost topped Forbes list a few years back and started telling Harry Potter stories to her kids when they were homeless. I have been paralyzed by the magnitude of motherhood this past year. Now I feel rested enough and stable enough to DO something. I just can't decide what to do first. Then again, I can do all of it and more! One day I'll have my art on my wine labels, have a small vineyard with horses and a bed and breakfast/sex therapy retreat center. Ha! And I'll have a big garden with lots of cucumbers for making sweet pickles!

I'll tell you what, though. Being a mother is the single most challenging job I have ever had. It is the most thorough education on selflessness, sleeplessness, and taking the time for honoring yourself. I often feel tethered to the house and going back to school part time would be a wonderful outlet. We'll see what the openhouse reveals.

A few weeks ago I was watching a youtube vid on Burning Man last year. I want to go so badly, and started crying because I felt so far from that reality. I have a very tame life presently and I realized I have to be more active in the community-fire spinning, monkey chanting, yoga, volunteering, horseback riding, school, art shows. Winter is shaking her feathers and spring is just around the corner. I feel the green shoots pushing through my shell, springing toward the light! I know the path, it's patiently waiting inside my heart. I just have to follow what feels right.