diary of a pregnant goddess

i start in slow circles, letting the half ton block of cacao butter do it's magic. please let me remain unscathed, i silently pray to the stretch mark gods. they certainly didn't listen in puberty, but i am taking them on with certified organic shit these days. it's edible, in fact. i wear compression stockings most of the time so i won't fall prey to those nasty spider veins running in my family, and try to drink as much water as my increasingly tiny bladder can take. i look over my options today. it's getting cooler outside, so the long tank dresses are too skimpy but the only thing that feels comfortable. i bought my first maternity pants at target...comfortable and hideous. those only come out to play for alone time. i have heard i won't be having any of this in the coming months, so i soak up each precious fifteen minute swatch of time like i'll be forced to live with this baby attached to my breast for the next ten years. it may not be far from the truth.

the cacao melts into a wonderfully chocolatey grease and reflects the light in the bathroom mirror. i stare for a moment at my swollen breasts now three times their size. my stomach is starting to bulge and i am soft from walking and not kicking ass up mountains. i guess the mountains will me waiting after i give birth. still, i don't recognize my shell, formerly carved with deep curves and thick muscles. i feel like a jellybean with sticks for arms and legs. this too will only continue to expand for the next four months until KABLAMM! well, all the hypnobirthing and yogic techniques tell me it won't be like that, but i am waiting for the red button to come popping up out of my navel: turkey's done! being homeless and pregnant has been alright for a spell, mostly because i have loving friends who leave their beds open while they stay at their boyfriends' houses. thus tonight i have a silent house and my own bed for once. i have a borrowed computer and some leftover midnight oil to burn. gratitude for this, but i can't wait to have my own space back. it's been over a month of couch surfing and i am ready to settle in to a new place.

i'd say that i have six solid days for every shaky one. it's not a bad ratio, but i feel things on a level that i thought lost to my youth. today i went back in time when the radio blared "fools rush in" by UB40 and i was swept back to a time when i was torn between two boys in highschool. i felt the moist saliva cooling in the darkness, the vinegar smell of a red darkroom, the flavor of turning into a wintergreen mouth and the guilt of liking someone new. a senior. i trembled when his fingers raked through my hair and stood my flesh at attention. i remember the tears and salt stained face of the boy i loved but somehow couldn't kiss anymore, knowing the delights awaiting my eager lips in down in the yearbook room. it was a vile thing to do, exploring my own sexual prowess as a young woman. but i couldn't help it.

i drove along the back road to work, thinking about how far i have gotten from that song, that flashbulb moment half a life ago. i was almost fifteen, so precisely that. will i feel the same nostalgia in another fifteen years, thinking of this pregnancy and knowing this person...this person who is growing inside of me right now? some kind of flashbulb moment when the next rite of passage burns bright through the history of growing up, this abruptly punctuated new phase in life?

i cling selfishly to ideas of independence, when i know i will be submissive. i just have so much more to do in life than merely procreate. i didn't plan this, so certainly it comes like a mixed bag of nuts. i'm told this is normal, and that upon seeing my child for the first time i will fall head over heels into technicolored love and forever changed for the better. when will i have time for art? to go back to school? to be alone? to travel the world? to stay up late and do all the selfish things defining me until this point? these are the questions that rise in me. i feel guilty for admitting them. but then, it's just a blog after a long shift. it's just being misplaced and unable to nest. it's the desire to have my energy, my body, and my diet back. i have a list of "don'ts" far outweighing the "do's" and it's hard to reign it all in. it doesn't seem real because i have been running from reality. i guess the upside is that i can come in an instant and i have some new buttons on my body now.

i thought i would be proud of my mothering bloom, stripping off my clothes at any given chance and brazenly taking my pregnancy photoshoot in stride. now it seems i just feel like a razorburned greasy chocolate manatee and want to hide in big baggy sweats and empire waist dresses. the joke is on me today!!

ok, it's late and i am truly rambling. let's spin the wheel of fortune and see what blogging mood i'm in next time i have a spare moment. blessings, love, and understanding.