The Unfurling of the Fern

closing my eyes
i shifted
feather appearing to tickle my crown
reminding me to open
dipping into another level.
my intention for the journey was to identify
to illuminate
to learn more about the tearing sensation i have been experiencing.
it is hard to remove the idea of the twofold path
the fork in the road split by choice.
i came to realize it is not a fork at all
there is no choice of left or right
or staying here
or leaving with him.
it is a fern, spiralling out
roots deep in the soil
and gently unfurling toward the light.
all things have, are, and will unfold
as guided by the divine and my own intention.
there are no victims
i have been delving into my labels for myself
of walking wounded
deep seeded desire to be close to others and the blockage
that keeps my head and my core from communicating freely.
i have been critical of my people and turn that same criticism
upon myself
they are all my mirrors anyways.

i travelled to the place of my pain
learning to breathe again
as if for the first time.
i felt fear
the overwhelming clarity
and significance of her betrayal to me as a child.
we called eachother twin souls.
we were as one
and i learned after letting go completely that i was open to the worst pain any friend could inflict.
we loved eachother on such a deep level and yet she harbored a dark seed of jealousy and ill will toward me in our last days.
i remember telling eachother that if i could only have one friend it would be her.
i see now that i have myself.

the place i went was underground
a hibernation of things i put away to deal with later.
i have used my emotions and adventures
my art, music, people, and entire life
to avoid the confrontaion
silly me
it is in all i do.
i have repeatedly chosen people to surround myself with who don't fully connect with me
a safety net
each one signifying a piece of the loneliness i have felt since she and i parted.
that was the last time i let anyone in completely
besides my mother.
my first chakra
red
grounding cord sent down to the center
sending light and energy down and then up through the spine and out of the crown
learning how to breathe
to move air in and out without the fear of doing something correctly.
approval from my father has influenced my relationships with men and with my own relationship of being a woman.
i have been craving red
painting various shades of red oxide
my first chakra reaching out for more focus,
more honor,
more release.
having lived for so long with an escape route from intimacy
the journey is breathing into those tight places,
focussing on them and then releasing the stored lessons
melting into the knowingness
feeling the tension recede with each exhale.
he came to me then
dressed in black tangles of machine and vines
his forehead bore four large insectlike eyes
smaller on the outside and equally large on the inside.
he moved like he was floating
coming closer and closer
i stared at my demon and felt my fear grow as he came up to my face
within reach
i let go of all expectation and pain
breathed
and the image disappeared.
today i feel a satiated feeling
a place of calm.
i am here to learn.
i am the fern.

thoughts about may 30th, 2007

it sits gently behind each moment, legs folded serenely and waiting.
it's the elephant in my room, my world, my head.
i shake it off and bend over my jewelry and continue threading the beads.
it smiles, disappearing from view to give me a little respite.
i sigh quietly and ponder the past few weeks as i search for matching beads.
hematite, glass, wood, tiger iron.
i feel the heat of his eyes on me and look up to catch a sidelong glance and flash of bearded smile. unguarded.
my hands get hot, my soul starts to tremble
i feel shy so i look in his eyes and then look away too fast.
i want to stare,
i want to be the only two in the cafe,
i want to scatter my beads and make love to him on the chair with the world fading away and the reminders thrown to the wind and the white flag of surrender brandished high.
hematite, wood, glass. white raw silk waving fervently.
it decides to give me a little relief and i can banish it from my mind for the rest of the night.
i distract myself with new connections and friends,
i sip on my tea and think of the mornings spent in the tent,
waking up with the morning light and thinking about coffee, chai, friends, dancing.
his eyes give me sips of exotic worlds and a glimpse of a white hot soul,
so pure it is cool to the touch.
my mother's voice winds off a deep spool of inbred fear and curiosity.
you can't have everything you want, said she.
i balked at that and retorted, "no mother, you make it so. you create your reality and it is that which does not allow you to have what you want. you do not allow the possibility to exist. so then it does not."
he comes from a mother with severe gut issues. so do i.
i called her yesterday to tell her that "it" does exist, surely as i do.
all my life i kept my secret ember glowing, recessed deep inside.
so far that no amount of pain could leech it's gossamer sheen,
no amount of plunder could take away it's treasure of hope,
and no amount of self delusion, distraction, destruction, evolution...
none of it could extinguish the sureness of one thing:
if i exist then he exists.
i have felt like the only one of my kind since birth.
i have become a chameleon for survival, and when the sheath falls away i feel naked.
i am different.
i feel everything.
i seek, i weep, i laugh, i let it in and out in each breath.
i am in the in and out, the all around, the everything.
i wish to unfold and be free.
i thought freedom was being alone and not lonely.
sitting in comfort with my self and growing wonder at the eliminations of boundaries and the eradication of the self critic.
going within.
boys always distract me from this... i choose people which pull me farther from my art, music, meditation, exercise, sleep, sobriety, balance. boys, not men.
ego, not spirit.
so in this delightful mess of transformation, my white owl calls me.
you have not listened to the deep intuition and so the lessons have been highlighted.
you have not chosen to release the fears that bind you captive to the unhappiness.
you have not run as hard as you can because you are afraid of the responsibility of winning and being the best.
does it take all this to make the point?
my friend, my totem, flying inbetween worlds, reawakening my spirit and intercepting my spirit so i might journey more...in this time, land, body, vehicle.
how appropriate that ashton arrives when fear wants to leave.
when i was clearly not looking for him.
when i have begun to run hard, hard, harder, flying, releasing, not looking, just feeling, allowing the angles of all emotions to be felt without judgement.

yin and yang.
we listen to music later on in the evening and i reflect on a day spent with one who enjoys so much of what i do.
i hold back my sadness and press on for the moment.
after all the moment is my safety net, but i don't want or need one.
but i feel the tide pulling out around my heart, loosening the protection of being a hermit,
casting off the ability to dwell in sheer ego and lust,
gently swaying and reminding me that in only a few more weeks i will be on my own again. but not really alone, just missing him. as i have always missed him.
a couple tears slide out from time to time, paying the toll for freeing my heart.
it makes me feel wonderful, in the end.
as brave as i try to be, as aloof as he tried to be...
the universe saw it fit for our meeting to be now.
not on my timeline, nor his agenda.
no time to steady myself and raise my baton to the symphony and say "NOW!"
so to may 30th, i say thank you.
thank you for being present and making me think about savoring this time.
allowing me an escape that i won't take.
breaking away from old myths and writing a beautiful new truth.

double trouble....so much goodness.

the guardian of eyes
released his hold
falling somewhat off course and yet relishing it.
the delicate balance of aloneness
suddenly shifted and it was frightening.
beautifully so.
ray lamontagne crooned across cooling pavement,
catching my ear as the sun dipped below magical silouettes.
am i ready to let go?
is there really any control to be had? (no, duh.)
there is no allowance here,
just acceptance of the moment.
and whether i admit it or not,
i already let go a long time ago.
the universe has been a virtual batting cage lately,
spitting every curve ball possible within my safe little bubble.
and then intrusion of sorts, invited of course,
a lively sparkle and colorful warmth.
i pull the alpaca fur closer,
i close my eyes for a minute and soak in the touch,
sunflower oils and fans and a beautiful gypsy man.