The Unfurling of the Fern

closing my eyes
i shifted
feather appearing to tickle my crown
reminding me to open
dipping into another level.
my intention for the journey was to identify
to illuminate
to learn more about the tearing sensation i have been experiencing.
it is hard to remove the idea of the twofold path
the fork in the road split by choice.
i came to realize it is not a fork at all
there is no choice of left or right
or staying here
or leaving with him.
it is a fern, spiralling out
roots deep in the soil
and gently unfurling toward the light.
all things have, are, and will unfold
as guided by the divine and my own intention.
there are no victims
i have been delving into my labels for myself
of walking wounded
deep seeded desire to be close to others and the blockage
that keeps my head and my core from communicating freely.
i have been critical of my people and turn that same criticism
upon myself
they are all my mirrors anyways.

i travelled to the place of my pain
learning to breathe again
as if for the first time.
i felt fear
the overwhelming clarity
and significance of her betrayal to me as a child.
we called eachother twin souls.
we were as one
and i learned after letting go completely that i was open to the worst pain any friend could inflict.
we loved eachother on such a deep level and yet she harbored a dark seed of jealousy and ill will toward me in our last days.
i remember telling eachother that if i could only have one friend it would be her.
i see now that i have myself.

the place i went was underground
a hibernation of things i put away to deal with later.
i have used my emotions and adventures
my art, music, people, and entire life
to avoid the confrontaion
silly me
it is in all i do.
i have repeatedly chosen people to surround myself with who don't fully connect with me
a safety net
each one signifying a piece of the loneliness i have felt since she and i parted.
that was the last time i let anyone in completely
besides my mother.
my first chakra
red
grounding cord sent down to the center
sending light and energy down and then up through the spine and out of the crown
learning how to breathe
to move air in and out without the fear of doing something correctly.
approval from my father has influenced my relationships with men and with my own relationship of being a woman.
i have been craving red
painting various shades of red oxide
my first chakra reaching out for more focus,
more honor,
more release.
having lived for so long with an escape route from intimacy
the journey is breathing into those tight places,
focussing on them and then releasing the stored lessons
melting into the knowingness
feeling the tension recede with each exhale.
he came to me then
dressed in black tangles of machine and vines
his forehead bore four large insectlike eyes
smaller on the outside and equally large on the inside.
he moved like he was floating
coming closer and closer
i stared at my demon and felt my fear grow as he came up to my face
within reach
i let go of all expectation and pain
breathed
and the image disappeared.
today i feel a satiated feeling
a place of calm.
i am here to learn.
i am the fern.