it's been awhile...

since i could surface.
longer since i could see.
eyes clouded by water, dreams, pain, shards of glass.
this crystal ball once held the future,
once kept the bugs out of my car,
once laid strewn on black's beach.
now i linger in the aftermath,
the tide retreating,
the small connections recoiling like burnt fingers,
once holding eachother completely but without ever touching in the physical.
you taught me faith in something i couldn't see,
but felt completely.
you elevated my soul, my spirit, my dreams, my desire.
i felt perfectly and wholly known by you,
untainted by the libido which keeps this process far from my reach.
instead, my mind tingled, my soul soared, my laughter pealed out, my guard fell and i was home.
i kept waiting for you to appear but instead you evaporated.
you left watermarks on everything,
you left salt trails on one set of footsteps eaten by the tide.

so now after one month i feel a little bit more steady.
so steady i tried to forget how sad i was, concentrating on the loveliness i felt for three months.
i saw two sets of tracks though everyone else saw one.
i felt the warm breath of everything i have ever wanted on my neck before it vanished.
friends think i will find love when i am supposed to find it.
i did find it when i was supposed to.
and if that was all i get, then i am grateful.
but it is a hard thing to put down after waiting to finally hold your face in my hands.
my eyes take in the world differently,
almost dying,
making mistakes,
humbling myself,
scraping bottom and hoping i would want to push off to the surface again.
the gnarly wave of life has thrashed me again,
and there i am sputtering in the waves of my own making.
choking on the saltwater that is a sea of tears,
not a victim in the least,
only an evolution of my self.