thoughts about may 30th, 2007

it sits gently behind each moment, legs folded serenely and waiting.
it's the elephant in my room, my world, my head.
i shake it off and bend over my jewelry and continue threading the beads.
it smiles, disappearing from view to give me a little respite.
i sigh quietly and ponder the past few weeks as i search for matching beads.
hematite, glass, wood, tiger iron.
i feel the heat of his eyes on me and look up to catch a sidelong glance and flash of bearded smile. unguarded.
my hands get hot, my soul starts to tremble
i feel shy so i look in his eyes and then look away too fast.
i want to stare,
i want to be the only two in the cafe,
i want to scatter my beads and make love to him on the chair with the world fading away and the reminders thrown to the wind and the white flag of surrender brandished high.
hematite, wood, glass. white raw silk waving fervently.
it decides to give me a little relief and i can banish it from my mind for the rest of the night.
i distract myself with new connections and friends,
i sip on my tea and think of the mornings spent in the tent,
waking up with the morning light and thinking about coffee, chai, friends, dancing.
his eyes give me sips of exotic worlds and a glimpse of a white hot soul,
so pure it is cool to the touch.
my mother's voice winds off a deep spool of inbred fear and curiosity.
you can't have everything you want, said she.
i balked at that and retorted, "no mother, you make it so. you create your reality and it is that which does not allow you to have what you want. you do not allow the possibility to exist. so then it does not."
he comes from a mother with severe gut issues. so do i.
i called her yesterday to tell her that "it" does exist, surely as i do.
all my life i kept my secret ember glowing, recessed deep inside.
so far that no amount of pain could leech it's gossamer sheen,
no amount of plunder could take away it's treasure of hope,
and no amount of self delusion, distraction, destruction, evolution...
none of it could extinguish the sureness of one thing:
if i exist then he exists.
i have felt like the only one of my kind since birth.
i have become a chameleon for survival, and when the sheath falls away i feel naked.
i am different.
i feel everything.
i seek, i weep, i laugh, i let it in and out in each breath.
i am in the in and out, the all around, the everything.
i wish to unfold and be free.
i thought freedom was being alone and not lonely.
sitting in comfort with my self and growing wonder at the eliminations of boundaries and the eradication of the self critic.
going within.
boys always distract me from this... i choose people which pull me farther from my art, music, meditation, exercise, sleep, sobriety, balance. boys, not men.
ego, not spirit.
so in this delightful mess of transformation, my white owl calls me.
you have not listened to the deep intuition and so the lessons have been highlighted.
you have not chosen to release the fears that bind you captive to the unhappiness.
you have not run as hard as you can because you are afraid of the responsibility of winning and being the best.
does it take all this to make the point?
my friend, my totem, flying inbetween worlds, reawakening my spirit and intercepting my spirit so i might journey more...in this time, land, body, vehicle.
how appropriate that ashton arrives when fear wants to leave.
when i was clearly not looking for him.
when i have begun to run hard, hard, harder, flying, releasing, not looking, just feeling, allowing the angles of all emotions to be felt without judgement.

yin and yang.
we listen to music later on in the evening and i reflect on a day spent with one who enjoys so much of what i do.
i hold back my sadness and press on for the moment.
after all the moment is my safety net, but i don't want or need one.
but i feel the tide pulling out around my heart, loosening the protection of being a hermit,
casting off the ability to dwell in sheer ego and lust,
gently swaying and reminding me that in only a few more weeks i will be on my own again. but not really alone, just missing him. as i have always missed him.
a couple tears slide out from time to time, paying the toll for freeing my heart.
it makes me feel wonderful, in the end.
as brave as i try to be, as aloof as he tried to be...
the universe saw it fit for our meeting to be now.
not on my timeline, nor his agenda.
no time to steady myself and raise my baton to the symphony and say "NOW!"
so to may 30th, i say thank you.
thank you for being present and making me think about savoring this time.
allowing me an escape that i won't take.
breaking away from old myths and writing a beautiful new truth.