the places i've lived

our house
open windows face the glittering sea, letting the air move through the place.
sunbeams bounce off of the shiny wood floors, a light scent of nag champa drifts in from the garden.
it burns outside near the hammock,
big plants tower like green feathers.
a perfect place to read a book and sway on a lazy afternoon such as this.
behind the place stretches emerald cliffs and beyond that mountain peaks shrouded in a mantle of clouds.
a strain of reggae leaks out from the kitchen window, humming, laughter accompanied by the percussion of palm trees rattling softly.
the smell of homemade paella simmering on the stove,
roasted corn on the cob grilling,
beads of sweat drip down my forgotten margarita glass.
barefeet in the sweet grass,
dancing.
*********************
i pull up the stakes and bundle them together, wrapping the rawhide ties securely to the travois.
she nickers at me, turning a dark face with a white blaze.
it reminds me of the stars at night near winter camp.
the weather has turned, and so we move too.
only a small trail of us left,
brown faces in the sun,
dust hanging over the plain.
i look for miles to see nothing but an ocean of tall grass and a small trail as we move south.
my home is the world,
owning nothing,
owing nothing but gratitude.
i use everything, and when i die i will give it back.
flying into the sky as my tears become rain, my body earth, my laughter wind.

on the move again

snowflakes come down on the log cabin in my head.
it's seventy seven degrees and sunny outside in real life.
another beautiful california afternoon.
i am tired.
i want to curl up on my big log bed and hibernate.
my hands are tan and strong.
my body is lithe and wound up for climbing mountains.
my heart is somewhere between hawaii and montana,
not sure where my fantasy ranch begins.
my companions are my sister and the brown and white paint gelding.
it seems so far away today.
at least my sister is visiting.

it's been awhile...

since i could surface.
longer since i could see.
eyes clouded by water, dreams, pain, shards of glass.
this crystal ball once held the future,
once kept the bugs out of my car,
once laid strewn on black's beach.
now i linger in the aftermath,
the tide retreating,
the small connections recoiling like burnt fingers,
once holding eachother completely but without ever touching in the physical.
you taught me faith in something i couldn't see,
but felt completely.
you elevated my soul, my spirit, my dreams, my desire.
i felt perfectly and wholly known by you,
untainted by the libido which keeps this process far from my reach.
instead, my mind tingled, my soul soared, my laughter pealed out, my guard fell and i was home.
i kept waiting for you to appear but instead you evaporated.
you left watermarks on everything,
you left salt trails on one set of footsteps eaten by the tide.

so now after one month i feel a little bit more steady.
so steady i tried to forget how sad i was, concentrating on the loveliness i felt for three months.
i saw two sets of tracks though everyone else saw one.
i felt the warm breath of everything i have ever wanted on my neck before it vanished.
friends think i will find love when i am supposed to find it.
i did find it when i was supposed to.
and if that was all i get, then i am grateful.
but it is a hard thing to put down after waiting to finally hold your face in my hands.
my eyes take in the world differently,
almost dying,
making mistakes,
humbling myself,
scraping bottom and hoping i would want to push off to the surface again.
the gnarly wave of life has thrashed me again,
and there i am sputtering in the waves of my own making.
choking on the saltwater that is a sea of tears,
not a victim in the least,
only an evolution of my self.