heart reaction

transported through rings of blue light
swimming through the porthole, climbing out of my vessel and flying free
there is a place there
inside and out of me,
and this is the space where i long to reside all of the time.
i see glimmers of it in the sunshine, the feeling of uncontained laughter,
a long embrace, a baby staring me down, a joyous weling of spirit and sound and delight of simply being alive.
i have never sustained the state of divine bliss in the arms of a lover. i am curious if such a lover exists, or if the divine is my lover itself.

it's that time again...

i can feel it shifting from down here in the southwest farthest point of the mainland. she rustles her wings, raspy and starting to flush with ochre and vermillion. a long smokey exhalation brings me almost to tears. i am homesick. my people are restless, i can hear the drums and the laughter and the attention from the altar of the sky. it is michigan, autumnal grace and red vines creeping over the yellow corn fields. it is family, a new baby dog, my mother's birthday tomorrow. it is butternut squash, apple cider,fires, guitars, heavy sweaters at night, cruises around the glassy lake at twilight, my papa smoking a cigar and the relief from summer's humidity and mosquitos finally arriving.

i caught a whiff on the wind last night after work. i tried to tell myself to be patient, but instead i think i will grab some things and go home for a surprise trip. there are enough people along the way i want to visit...sedona to see paula and yosh, utah, montana, my sister...ahhh. now if only five grand would fall out of the sky into my checking account! haha.

stripped down

your walls are not so steep,
my walls are not so steep,
child, be at peace...
you are safe and loved and deeply..
ever radiant flowing love
from soul and spirit comes bone and blood,
touch the expression of divine connection,
all of us reaching out for the four directions,
naked and laughing in the sea and the wind,
the night and sky and the lights of our grins,
we are god's children...
the oneness is all within.
out and in like breath and song
flung to the universe
and bound to our hearts.
i am god and the string being strummed,
the hum of our throats and the song that is sung.

running out of gas..literally

today was a first. i thought i could make it to work on empty, but i was wrong by half a mile or less. haha! i had to buy a little red canister of gas for a whopping 15 dollars..someone had stolen the gas station's last one and they gave up on helping out. it stated that is was spill proof, but that didn't stop a direct stream of gas from running up my arm and soaking my hand and forearm. ahhh! i cursed, then started laughing at my good fortune. i ran out of gas in front of a gas station. i am blessed...it surprisingly didn't soak into my work clothes, and i still made it there with plenty of time to make a crazy amount of money. i sent intentions out of abundance yesterday and today was great...i made more money waiting tables tonight then on most big holidays! just in time to pay my rent. phew. the fifteen dollar gas can doesn't seem like a big deal after tonight. sometimes when i make half my rent in one night, i feel relieved. sometimes it harnesses me back into the system. other times, i think it is the universe helping me get out of the industry.

for now, i am giving myself until christmas. then it is over. for good. i am ready to launch my art and go for bigger more delicious dreams.

tonight i saw the most radiant sunset i have ever seen in my life. it was like a painting...i think i will thank the universe and try and capture a bit on canvas. ohhh, the hue of the clouds tinged in lavendar light and lit on one side by a delicate crimson..it made me pause, and point it out to my guests.

it has been a sweltering day...turning into a muggy night. i am drinking a glass of sauv blanc with a slice of perfectly ripe mango and a strawberry floating inside. i wish i was floating inside. i am waiting with baited breath for my soul brother alec to show up. he just played a show in laguna and decided to head south to play at my house...namely my pool. so we will quietly float after hours in the water..i pray it is cooler than the air. i am sweating just from typing! haha! i have been sending out love and energy to my loved ones and sending out recognition to those around me who are wonderful humans. i forget to tell people how much i appreciate them sometimes. then when i get out of my haze i feel like i am struck with the urge to shout it to the sky...my life is full of the most wonderful beings!!! it makes me tear up and laugh at the same time.

i am also feeling better about having a direction. my anxiety and lethargy seem to be on vacation for the moment, so it feels freeing to move through this transitional time with a little more grace. i am recovering from the hip injury of last month, and more than anything i feel positive vibrations coming in and flowing out like a circuit has been connected again. i think talking to brian has really been a helpful tool and it is helping me get focused on the moment as well as actively pursuing my best self. i am looking forward to our session on thursday. i have always felt like when you are working toward alignment with the highest good of all concerned, the universe responds and makes it possible. i needed to make extra big cash tonight so i could pay for my session in a few days. now it is in the bag. sigh.

daniel (one of my managers) said to me last night,"stephie, i wish you didn't have any of this mucking up your life so you could just make your art...it would be amazing to see what would happen." i am not sure about what parts of life he thinks muck up my art...but i think it is the life part that makes expression so meaningful. it makes sharing it so personal. i feel so exposed and so naked with my paintings up, yet it makes sense. they are not for me and me alone. they are through me and a gift for humans to enjoy. to feel. to stop for a moment and recognize themselves a little bit inside some part of the picture. or just create a reaction. i am learning how it feels to be me in the moment, stephie the artist who waits tables to pay for canvas. hehe.

pink balls

yeah, that's right. because i am a girl, that's why. and i like coordinating my balls with my outfit. on the golfcourse! but of course! haha! man i had a great day today. i can say i fully touched a state of bliss...fueled by a night of fun, meeting a wonderful and hilarious man, being out on the town with teresa, playing a killer round of golf with pink balls and beating a cute boy, having the most exquisite blue cheese burger and onion rings on the face of the planet...i have been on top of the world today! i also got my period, which flooded me with estrogen so i feel semi-sane again. oh and today the coolest thing happened when i was cardancing. here i am, just jamming out to michael jackson driving along the coast and hand dancing out the window. up ahead i see an arm snake out of the suv and start dancing too! we were following eachother's hand dance and it turned out to be a little girl. her dad rolled down the window when we came to a four way stop and said "you are SO cute!" and smiled! they drove off before i could respond, but i just love love loved seeing that little person infected by bliss. yeah, so today felt good. ever since my paintings went up in the restaurant i have felt a lot more energy. my boss highfived me in front of the staff tonight and it felt really nice to have some support. the ball is rolling, and a few guests have already asked me to talk turkey. i really feel good about moving in this direction, and very grateful to have such an opportunity to get it out there in a high end venue. my business cards arrive shortly! yes! and i met another artist tonight who was just radiant. she gave me her card and i'm going to check out her jewelry. she has made the transition from a j.o.b. job to being successfully self employed and living her dream. it's as if a switch has been flipped after talking with my soul coach. teachers are dropping out of the woodwork and into my arms. my brain, my heart, my soul. it's a very energizing feeling, the cocoon slowly melting off. i have a few friends that dj and i have been thinking of doing another art show. this time there will be cocktail hour with wine and cheese and mellow music, followed up with some dance music...you better believe michael jackson will be in the mix...a little jurassic five...a little flaming lips...whoah! watch out!

i aim to sustain my energy and momentum. good things are happening, and i am amazed at how quickly the universe responds to you when you make clear intentions. i think i feel a certain freedom as well from some of the distractions of my heart. i have come to realize right now is a time for me to get my art on. and while i am still wild about chest hair and flirting and all that fun stuff, i don't want a boyfriend. not even a little bit. mostly because it's too serious for me to handle right now. i am much more relaxed keeping my self to myself. when i lived in scripps ranch for 9 months i became very lonely...and celibate. yowzers! does masturbation count? haha. all i know is that i met k online and no one else will ever be him. he changed my perspective on love, and we never once met face to face. we met soul to soul, lifetimes ago. it was shocking and powerful and confusing. in the end, it broke my heart in places i never knew i had, and it was because we had created them together over many lives. i still believe he is real, i want to believe he is who he says he is, and i miss him every day. so in a way, my heart can't be broken by anyone else because it isn't even close to healed. when i met someone new directly after k and i stopped communicating, i still had my wall down. i think i may have transposed some of my deep feelings onto the next man because he was tangible. and we had such exotic adventures and fun together...but then it shifted shortly after he went to south america. i felt a double blow on that one, thinking maybe i need to give up on being so loving and open. but that goes against my grain. so now i think i want to spread my love inward and outward to the world. make some infinity love. touch people through my art and find more blissful days of car dancing with a grin on my face. i know everything happens for a reason. it is a journey not a destination, and no one knows when the next phase begins. i could die tomorrow or in sixty seven years. i do know that i want to go big. i want to finish my leg of this journey knowing i grew and loved and learned as much as possible..stretch marks on my soul. blessings, stephie