running out of gas..literally

today was a first. i thought i could make it to work on empty, but i was wrong by half a mile or less. haha! i had to buy a little red canister of gas for a whopping 15 dollars..someone had stolen the gas station's last one and they gave up on helping out. it stated that is was spill proof, but that didn't stop a direct stream of gas from running up my arm and soaking my hand and forearm. ahhh! i cursed, then started laughing at my good fortune. i ran out of gas in front of a gas station. i am blessed...it surprisingly didn't soak into my work clothes, and i still made it there with plenty of time to make a crazy amount of money. i sent intentions out of abundance yesterday and today was great...i made more money waiting tables tonight then on most big holidays! just in time to pay my rent. phew. the fifteen dollar gas can doesn't seem like a big deal after tonight. sometimes when i make half my rent in one night, i feel relieved. sometimes it harnesses me back into the system. other times, i think it is the universe helping me get out of the industry.

for now, i am giving myself until christmas. then it is over. for good. i am ready to launch my art and go for bigger more delicious dreams.

tonight i saw the most radiant sunset i have ever seen in my life. it was like a painting...i think i will thank the universe and try and capture a bit on canvas. ohhh, the hue of the clouds tinged in lavendar light and lit on one side by a delicate crimson..it made me pause, and point it out to my guests.

it has been a sweltering day...turning into a muggy night. i am drinking a glass of sauv blanc with a slice of perfectly ripe mango and a strawberry floating inside. i wish i was floating inside. i am waiting with baited breath for my soul brother alec to show up. he just played a show in laguna and decided to head south to play at my house...namely my pool. so we will quietly float after hours in the water..i pray it is cooler than the air. i am sweating just from typing! haha! i have been sending out love and energy to my loved ones and sending out recognition to those around me who are wonderful humans. i forget to tell people how much i appreciate them sometimes. then when i get out of my haze i feel like i am struck with the urge to shout it to the sky...my life is full of the most wonderful beings!!! it makes me tear up and laugh at the same time.

i am also feeling better about having a direction. my anxiety and lethargy seem to be on vacation for the moment, so it feels freeing to move through this transitional time with a little more grace. i am recovering from the hip injury of last month, and more than anything i feel positive vibrations coming in and flowing out like a circuit has been connected again. i think talking to brian has really been a helpful tool and it is helping me get focused on the moment as well as actively pursuing my best self. i am looking forward to our session on thursday. i have always felt like when you are working toward alignment with the highest good of all concerned, the universe responds and makes it possible. i needed to make extra big cash tonight so i could pay for my session in a few days. now it is in the bag. sigh.

daniel (one of my managers) said to me last night,"stephie, i wish you didn't have any of this mucking up your life so you could just make your art...it would be amazing to see what would happen." i am not sure about what parts of life he thinks muck up my art...but i think it is the life part that makes expression so meaningful. it makes sharing it so personal. i feel so exposed and so naked with my paintings up, yet it makes sense. they are not for me and me alone. they are through me and a gift for humans to enjoy. to feel. to stop for a moment and recognize themselves a little bit inside some part of the picture. or just create a reaction. i am learning how it feels to be me in the moment, stephie the artist who waits tables to pay for canvas. hehe.