the trials of love, or something close....

here we go again...hands in the air, voice held back in my throat, vertigo and cresting and then the drop...whoosh...my body is weightless and i am filled with ecstasy! gravity driving me down while the ride pulls me up...up...rising and turning at warp speed. my ability to love is a lot like standing in line for a rollercoaster ride sometimes. i might be inching along in a sweltering hot line...but eventually i get on and ride. i always ride, or wait in line. but there is a motion, always, toward loving and being loved. and this time the line was short...unforseen this ride opened...it used to be closed for years...used to make me wistful to see the tracks empty and the gate locked down.

he's coming tomorrow...i feel so calm about it...like a deep moving body of water flooding me with refreshing power. when all the smoke and mirrors have been shattered or have blown away...i wonder if it was him all along, weaving his way back into my world. have all these other fleeting romances grazed the surface to allow me the insight into this next relationship?

it seems so. not to trivialize anything, but i've been told a lot of beautiful words that ring hollow. promises or just emotions that dried up and left barely a trace. mystery men who never appear. mysterious men who disappear. simple and complicated men who tire me, stalk me, or push me away. i have a cetain numbness at this point...like it's gonna take something white hot and powerful to cut through it.

then seven hours have passed and we are still talking. my phone is hot in my ear with his voice, so familiar and low. i think about the first time i laid eyes on him, my knees buckling and body turning hot and cold and dizzy. he was the most handsome thing i'd ever seen...and turned out to be more beautiful on the inside. we both recall a deep knowingness...i wonder if it will still be there tomorrow? i feel like a little kid on christmas...! five years have faded into nothing...
i know it is still there, like embers coming to life after being stoked for a long time.