Mirror mirror....

we are all mirrors for the people and lessons we bring to our existence. i applaud that, actually. thank my lucky stars for a sounding board. and then tonight...lovely, lost, alone. i touched the cheeks of a baby girl, i touched the wanting for a child, i touched the barrier i hold against all suitors, lovers, friends. the dare...the quest, the life. i feel so detached from emotion and from others. my sister and i discussed our lack of "caring" today. it is not that we don't care so much...it is that we don't feel anymore. i feel fine the way it is. i have no desire to be married with a child. i thought i was alone in this until she brought it up today. i am having anxiety from not feeling. she's having anxiety from thinking she "should" feel more than she does. we talked, communed, took notes. we are both quite happy, satisfied, balanced. and this feels weird. we both agreed that the absence of stress leaves us with a lot of blank space. and we hate blank space. wanna fill it. rearrange it. feng sui it. fuck. impregnate it. just kidding. however, as scary as this may be, i smelled her tonight. the crown of her perfect baby head. sweet and heady....lilac wine a la jeff buckley with lilac boughs swaying in a pefect midwestern breeze. my friends' child brought new things to the table...i once thought i had it figured out. pepperoni and pineapple. now everything is different. i am older. i am lost. then found, alone.