my weakness

my weakness
it arrived shortly after the mango martini disappeared. plump, charred slightly medium rare and perched next to a fluffy pile of mashed potatoes accented with angles of roasted asparagus. the port demiglace orbited the filet, and flanking it was something that blew my mind and taste buds right off...a gorgonzola creme brulee! upon trying the combination, i started laughing uncontrollably...it's my weakness. simple food done with a dash of flair and such exquisite perfection...i wish i could transport myself back to prado right now. our waiter paul was nervous when he talked to us, stuttering a little bit and flashing a small uncomfortable smile. i noticed he had a bit of an underbite, giving him the appearance of a cute little bulldog. we tried to get out of the restaurant without dessert, running a little late for the dance performance up the street. paul refused to let us depart without a bite of tahitian vanilla flan cheesecake, however. teresa signed her half of the bill and i thought about staying there and rubbing it all over my face. so delicious i couldn't bear it...almost. i have to admit, it's been awhile since i went out downtown. sitting there in balboa park, strings of white lights and red and purple umbrellas below...it made me feel like i was inside of a painting. the open air orchestra was playing amidst the colorful fountains, lush plantings and quiet old spanish buildings. it made me feel far away...it made me think about why i haven't left san diego yet. teresa and i dashed out the door, a flutter of brown and blonde manes and black and white dresses. my heels made funny little clicking noises as we hurried to the centro cultural del plaza to see her dance company perform.

we arrived a little late into the the performance and turned off our cell phones. the stage was set in the middle of the room, seating boxing it in like four walls. the dancers were all wearing strange white costumes and body paint, giving them the appearance of being coated in flour. one character was an old woman with a shaved head...her manner and appearance made me think she has cancer. the stage was actually a box filled two feet deep with styrofoam packing peanuts. a woman narrated the journey, and started speaking of all matters pertaining to the green movement. the air, the water, the trickle on down effects of pollution, asthma, cancer, babies, the future. she touched on going backward in our lifestyle to move forward as a species and save the planet. i watched the dancers making strange movements and coughing and huffing and acting like beasts. it made my already full stomach feel sick...full of meat and cheese and alcohol and excess. it made me want to rip off my pretty party dress and kick off my heels and live on a remote island somewhere...no cell phones, no dui's, no credit cards, no pollution..or less pollution. hiding from the issues at hand is a weakness too.

after the two hour performance, i felt stunned. it was such a juxtapostion. teresa wanted to show me this new autralian bar down on fifth, so we went for a martini and i sipped on it without tasting it. my mind was weaving in and out of my excuses. excuses for not traveling this summer, for eating meat, for sleeping in, for not being as diligent about recycling everything...not just the easy stuff. my excuses based around fear, around laziness, around comfort, around everything. reasons and excuses are different creatures, to be sure. i feel such a pull inside of me...tearing me in two directions. the part of me molded by society and consumerism...the one that loves a good steak and expensive pair of heels...versus the one that cries out for nature, wants to run away to the forest, drum, hunt, sit around the fire, swim naked in the stream. today i have had a lot of thoughts and no real answers...who am i? why am i so afraid?