the truth: you were my reason

i didn't have the courage to unveil even more of my feelings. i don't even have the courage to send you this letter. why do you deserve more of my feelings when you have so little for me? those feelings that i put out for you to step on and callously sweep on by while you remained so safe in the moment. your moment changes faster than a butterfly changes flowers. i am not angry because you are an animal in nature, but i am hurt that you disguised yourself with words and energies that withered away as soon as a new flower crossed your path. with a scrap left of my heart, i shielded myself from yet another blow and handed you a list of excuses why i couldn't come to peru. it wasn't that i couldn't come...it was that i chose to protect myself from you. when i opened up and told you how i felt, i meant it...in a resonating timeless sense. not just a fleeting thought or glance. so i backed up, careful to patch up my aching heart and humbly accepted that you and i are different creatures. i want to nest and long to roam. you nest while roaming, making everything home. you told me i was the companion and woman you had looked for all of your life. then in less than two weeks you were enamored by someone else. did you expect me to come down and share a one room apartment with her in your bed? i try to allow divine flow to take it's course, but that was just too much for me to handle. will i ever go to peru? yes. i needed some recovery time to build up the kind of strength it will take me to see you again. every story and lover you take helps seal the wall around those feelings..tighter, stronger...helping me distance myself from the pain i felt and the shift in our relationship. you poke fun at my reasons for not coming to peru...you are my reason for NOT coming, because you were my reason for going there in the first place. i'll go for me, when i am ready. i'll go for PERU. it was wrong of me to hold such expectations and attachment to you in the first place...i know better now. blessings, friend. you have taught me a lot.