hide and seek

the fire blazed against a crystalline indigo sky. salty air rolled up, pushed into my nose with each cresting wave and i pulled the covers over my cold face. you laid a few inches away, incredibly close, and i couldn't believe how my heart was hammering. i pulled the blanket down and peeked at you, finding you looking directly at me. you didn't smile, your eyes were huge and luminous and saw straight into me shifting back and forth. i felt anxiety rising in my body as the gongs sang to us from the top of the sand bluff. everyone took their own poses in the meditation, some facing the full moon with upturned faces and palms. others huddled close to their friends under blankets. i wondered just how it was that you came to me tonight. my hands turned my nautilus shell in the firelight and i noticed the spiral relecting the opal sheen underneath. so old. so beautifully powerful. i tried to give it to you to hold but you held my hand instead. i wondered why i felt to gentle, so vulnerable, so loving. i wanted to hide but i knew that the truth was it is just a reflex. what i really want most is to be seen. we walked down the beach after drumming and looked at the water. the moonlight lit the place in shadows of light blue and purple but your eyes were full of green light. i saw my hands on your arms and there was a light coming around us from within. i asked for you, you said. i asked for you, too. i'll probably hide, you said. i asked if you wanted to remain hidden or you wanted to play hide and seek. you smiled, and i knew what to do without having to do anything.

why grams does the dishes

he used to come up behind her at the sink, kiss her neck and surprise her with a grab of the ass. she'd jump, grey bubble cut bobbing around and reaching for a kiss. i watched from the table as a kid, wondering if i'd find that kind of love one day. it seemed my parents missed the point, so when i saw other couples still in love i took notes. he used to slip love notes in her pockets and she'd find them later on that day. when we moved her to my uncle's house last year, i watched her cry as she reread every love note saved in a drawer. many other things went to the estate sale and garage sale and good will. but her reminders of their love staid. he passed away five years ago now, and we wondered how she continued to live, to breathe, to manange without him. she does the dishes.

tonight during thanksgiving in the midst of all my friends, i stood in the kitchen and wondered about grams. i felt so many mixed emotions...i touched my longing for a partner and sighed, rolling up my sleeves. it has been a long time since i had someone to share the holidays with like that. and i have yet to be eighty years old getting goosed in the kitchen. i felt sad, so i made myself useful and cleaned the dished and pots and pans. with each one completed, a part of me realized why grams still does the dishes on every holiday instead of lounging around. a small smile turned my lips up in the corners. happy thanksgiving! i love you grams.

unconditional love

baby fox....i manifested unconditional love and ended up with a baby fox. holy crap!

time to say it: 2 years of procrastination and fear

i read a blog today that moved me. it contained the message: start living or start dying. the essence of it all was beauty...do we sit here and dwell in fear or do we tell someone we love them? hate them? forgive them? stop beating around the proverbial bush and put it out there. so i promptly called someone very special to me and left the true nature of my feelings on their voicemail. no games, no shield, no nothing. it felt so good to tell him...er, his voicemail...things i have longed to say for years but i never had the guts. today i have the guts..and the inspiration. nothing risked, nothing gained. release is the emotion presently...two years is a long time to NOT tell someone how you feel. i want to apologize to the author of the blog and make some peace...thanks for the inspirational gift.