Turning 26 and the Rubble of my Love Life

Does everyone feel a little funky when they cross 25 into 26? Like I better get my life together because I will be 30 soon and I have expectations of being a real adult by then...? I don't even know. Times are moody these days-possibly because I work every damn night and waiting on people that much will kill your joy. And I am not one for a lot of submission and biting my tongue. I want to make art. Travel. Perform. And I am getting closer to that life, it just is a rough road to success. But, good news!!! I am almost there. Things are falling apart in my heart and conversely lining up with my art. Ah, the bipolar way of the artist-pain and creation come hand in hand.

I have not been able to post in so long that I apologize to you loyal readers. I have been very busy and very poor. So if you are wondering what I did for my birthday last weekend, you can probably guess. I worked. All said and done though, I have been making headway and secured a one woman art opening in Del Mar next month. YEAH!!! More details to come on that, but it will include a dj, wine and food and MY ART!!! Nov. 17th. Shit-yeah dudes!
In lieu of all the work, Napa, art, moving, and seasonal changes, I have retreated into hermit mode and thus the rubble of my love life and all of summers adventures have come to a close. Kind of a welcome and yet sad close. I guess one cannot live like a total rockstar/criminal all of the time. So here I am in poverty, sleeping on an air mattress, and starting my life. Kind of a humbling time in my life for sure. Things in general are still good-I have been cranking on the artwork and I am super stoked on getting a showing. So one foot ahead of the next, right? Baby steps. I feel like my heart is shot full of holes and if anything/anyone big starts filling it up it all pours out. I am okay with this, and maybe it is better to be alone for awile and figure out how to be by myself. It is just so damn romantic outside this time of year.

Tonight I am going to a huge dance party in the desert with Lela and hopefully the firedancing and drumming will patch up my worn down heart. I still haven't heard from Joey and it has been three months since I walked out the door. I have had the pleasure of a couple lame text messages, but it hurts to live with someone for 2 years and then one day-pouf!!- nothing but shit. After all the distraction and fun of moving, I am realizing a lot of pain and my own natural instinct to want to open up and give my love away to unavailable men/women. So stupid. It is just like my parents. I am trying to break the cycle but it is really hard when I want to merge and give and be loved. I guess the lesson is to love myself enough to make better choices and spend my energy on my own self.
I think I will go to the SRF tomorrow and follow up with some meditation at Swami's.
Yoga, exercise, sleep, good food, art, healing energy, good people. Yep, that is the plan. Over and out, Steph


p.s. I went to the Halloween Carnival with Lynn and the girls today and had a wonderful day!!! We got henna tatoos on our hands and I want to get some henna of my own and go nuts. Arm bands, etc. Cool!!

Exploring Napa Valley and Shit

Wow. What a day. I love the scenery...rolling hills dotted with knarled trees against a fawn colored mat of grass. Pine trees lushly lining the roads and roses growing everywhere. The skies are crisp and cool with a thin gauze of heat against your skin during the day. At nightfall the layer is brisk and cool like a satin sheet smelling of leaves and the magic of sleeping wineries. The valley is cradled in the mountains and is larger than I thought. Each place looms up from the land in a unique setting...modern arches and old farm houses and gardens to blow your mind. We started our day at Heitz Cellars and tasted six of their wines. I have loved their cabernet sauvignon forever...nice robust flavors and enough jam to stand up well sipping alone or against a steak. Carole liked the cab too, but we both felt the Grignolo Port was the best. Imagine tangerines, honey, orange blossom, and fig pouring over your tongue like a cool, ruby hued stream in the desert. It was awesome. So I got a bottle.(duh)

We got into the car and headed over to Duckhorn on the Silverado Trail. The wind lifted the trees lightly throughout the valley and pockets of sunlight streamed down in patches as we tried to drive and take everything in at once. Going to Duckhorn was a big thing for me, seeing as I sell the shit out of their Napa Valley Merlot on a weekly basis. Soft, plush, blackberry, blueberry, cassis, white pepper, and toasty lingering finish. Uh. Sigh. So opulent, so dreamy. And it was exciting to see all the familiar names-like meeting distant relatives after only seeing their pictures. So Carole and I tasted the Sauvignon Blanc, Merlot, Cab, Howell Mtn. Merlot, and their Reserve Cab. Let me tell you that it was intense. I can't really even go off about it enough, except to say the Howell Mtn. will smack you in the face! DUDE! Watch that one..definately decant it. After Duckhorn we went to ZD which actually blew my mind. After letting them know we were from Ruth's we got the whole VIP tasting thing comp'd and proceeded to taste my favorite wine so far in the universe. They have a 2002 Cab Reserve that makes their 2002 Cab taste like a watered down version...and if you have had THAT, you know what I am talking about. I think Carole and I actually passed out from the pleasure of this wine. If we don't carry it...which is possible, I want to try. They only make 850 cases a year though and it was released last week. $115 a bottle at the ZD winery...probably 350 at the restaurant price. DAMN!!! Sexy- sexy-sultry-Marilyn-Monroe-on-her-best-day-in-your-mouth-wine. Can't go off enough. I seriously want a bottle of this juice but I am too poor. Damn dollar bills. We thought about starving and going in together to get it.

Anyways, we rushed to our private tasting at Nickel and Nickle after that and stretched out on their back porch and tried six wines with a few other lucky participants. The neat thing about this particular winery is that they use 100% pure varietals and single vineyard production. This means that each wine is pure Chard, pure Cab, Zin, etc. and derives the characteristics from it's terroir. So cool. The valley has so many different pockets of microclimates and soil compositions that the four cabs we tasted varied a great deal. We also tried their Ponzo Zinfandel which took me by surprise and found it's way into our joint possession. Peppery and wonderfully heavy with black fruit and a balanced finish. Yum. So I am feeling really happy to be here...it is like the best homework I have ever had. And the space out here is so big and quiet and clean.

After all was said and done, Carole and I needed some food. We landed at Mustard's and had scrumptious food and talked to a local winemaker at the bar. It is a really interesting culture here...people are so passionate about their wines. It is infectious. So we went from there to a nap in the Whitehall Lane parking lot to dinner with Carole's sister and bro in law at had a beautiful dinner. Between all this free wine and great food I am going to get the GOUTY TOE! Ew! It was worth it though to do it up right and celebrate birthday style. PHEW! Tomorrow we are hitting up Niebaum-Coppola, Quintessa, Whitehall Lane, and hopefully Silverado. Maybe Cakebread Cellars. Maybe Rutherford Grove. Dammit!!! It is like a fricken candy store and I want to hit it all. Anyways, I have to sleep so I can have a functioning liver in the morning. Sleep well everyone, and to all a good night!!!

Sizzlin' Steaks, Wine, and the Fearsome Foursome

I am posting from Roseville, Ca. That's right, the newest location of Ruth's Chris and also the new home of my dear friends Dalila and Gina. We dined tonight on the finest wines, steaks, desserts, and now I think I am ready to sleep. But first things first. I have nothing. No furniture, no bed to speak of, no computer to consistently do this type of thing. But I love it. Being here makes me love the fact that old friends can reconnect after we have all been spread out for miles. Nothing but a few inches of white table cloth and scattered wine glasses and plates seperated us tonight. And I had the best time with Carole and the girls... celebrating a birthday for Carole tonight....so much fun. Anyways, we are going wine tasting tomorrow morning in Napa at Nickel and Nickel and also Heitz Cellars. So yay for 10 am wine tours and being drunk before breakfast. Barf. That sounds hard right now. But I am sure we'll struggle through. Party on, Wayne!

The Creeping Crud

Jesus. Push it to the limit and this is where I end up. Between the Santa Ana Winds pushing every known virus toward the coast and waiting tables in a veritable cesspool of human saliva, I have ended up with the creeping crud. Symptoms include a throat that closes up and begs for a toilet brush to be shoved vigorously down to reach the itch, a slamming headache, watery eyes, bone-drenching sleepiness, and the occasional flip-top head sneeze. Other than that, I feel fan-tastic. I hope I don't infect my new roommate Lela.
I had possibly the worst nights sleep on record last night. Mix nyquil, no bed, loud rabbits popping in their cage and rattling the cage door, the new place, a blaring train whistle every hour, and the creeping crud. You get this crap. Scott kept me company and was equally as miserable after a long day of moving my stuff. We had a good laugh about just how bad it was today after I took a long nap at Lynn's. But I am really happy to have a couple of days off to unwind and unpack. Once I have it all straightened out things will be great! Once I get a bed, things will be amazing. Once I shake the creeping crud, I will become a more healthy person. BE well, and beware the crud! Outee, Steph

Scott Alan

Some people just get it, and then some people make you better for getting it. Scott is one of those people. Can't explain how lucky I am to have him, just feel it. So I give thanks for him.