Turning 26 and the Rubble of my Love Life

Does everyone feel a little funky when they cross 25 into 26? Like I better get my life together because I will be 30 soon and I have expectations of being a real adult by then...? I don't even know. Times are moody these days-possibly because I work every damn night and waiting on people that much will kill your joy. And I am not one for a lot of submission and biting my tongue. I want to make art. Travel. Perform. And I am getting closer to that life, it just is a rough road to success. But, good news!!! I am almost there. Things are falling apart in my heart and conversely lining up with my art. Ah, the bipolar way of the artist-pain and creation come hand in hand.

I have not been able to post in so long that I apologize to you loyal readers. I have been very busy and very poor. So if you are wondering what I did for my birthday last weekend, you can probably guess. I worked. All said and done though, I have been making headway and secured a one woman art opening in Del Mar next month. YEAH!!! More details to come on that, but it will include a dj, wine and food and MY ART!!! Nov. 17th. Shit-yeah dudes!
In lieu of all the work, Napa, art, moving, and seasonal changes, I have retreated into hermit mode and thus the rubble of my love life and all of summers adventures have come to a close. Kind of a welcome and yet sad close. I guess one cannot live like a total rockstar/criminal all of the time. So here I am in poverty, sleeping on an air mattress, and starting my life. Kind of a humbling time in my life for sure. Things in general are still good-I have been cranking on the artwork and I am super stoked on getting a showing. So one foot ahead of the next, right? Baby steps. I feel like my heart is shot full of holes and if anything/anyone big starts filling it up it all pours out. I am okay with this, and maybe it is better to be alone for awile and figure out how to be by myself. It is just so damn romantic outside this time of year.

Tonight I am going to a huge dance party in the desert with Lela and hopefully the firedancing and drumming will patch up my worn down heart. I still haven't heard from Joey and it has been three months since I walked out the door. I have had the pleasure of a couple lame text messages, but it hurts to live with someone for 2 years and then one day-pouf!!- nothing but shit. After all the distraction and fun of moving, I am realizing a lot of pain and my own natural instinct to want to open up and give my love away to unavailable men/women. So stupid. It is just like my parents. I am trying to break the cycle but it is really hard when I want to merge and give and be loved. I guess the lesson is to love myself enough to make better choices and spend my energy on my own self.
I think I will go to the SRF tomorrow and follow up with some meditation at Swami's.
Yoga, exercise, sleep, good food, art, healing energy, good people. Yep, that is the plan. Over and out, Steph


p.s. I went to the Halloween Carnival with Lynn and the girls today and had a wonderful day!!! We got henna tatoos on our hands and I want to get some henna of my own and go nuts. Arm bands, etc. Cool!!