can you become dyslexic?

i think i am starting to flip letters around when i type by accident. can this happen at 27?

Running in the rain

grey hoodie pulled tight, who killed kenny comes to mind.
dog leash in one hand, water botter clutched in the other,
guiding the pup with a series of small taps like i would a horse,
quickly picking my path through the wet rocks,
everything is damp, air cold, breath steaming,
my t-shirt is soaking wet, my face like a furnace, the rain evaporating like droplets on a stovetop.
tssss.tsss.tsssss.
my legs are the ones running, my lungs don't burn,
i have never been more proud of being a nonsmoker.
i realize i am enjoying this rainy day run down the mountain.
silently, it feels like i am 12 after a soccer game,
relaxed, happy, pink cheeked.
burton looks up from his leash, wanting more.
ok, boy, let's kick it up.
i wish i could let him off the leash.
we fly down the path, rust color sand and brunt sienna rocks,
his blonde ears getting curly from the rain,
we catch up with amber at the car.
what a good day, we say in unison.
yes.

In love with love

Tracy and I sat looking at the ocean today, sipping a glass of chilled sauvignon blanc from New Zealand. I palmed the bottom of the glass, allowing the heat from my hand to open the bouquet of the wine a bit further. Impatient, I know. The ocean smelled salty and cool, so unlike the summertime. We were out on the deck at Charlie's, and she was giving me her take on my situation.
I listened to her words silently, smiling a bit, and inside of my head I was dually listing all of the wine's characteristics. "Steph, I think you are a wonderful human being, but you are in love with love....." Nose: lemon zest, herbaceousness, forest moss, pine sap. "I think you may be more romantic than most in your thinking, and you are young..this is the time for risks...." Body: lean, high alcohol, low viscosity, low residual sugar, high extraction. "Remember the so-called boyfriend you had for nineteen days and you never even saw him naked?" We both laugh aloud, and my eyes squeeze shut with embarrassment. Yep, I may have jumped the gun on commitment just a tad on that one. Hilarious. Fuck it, I thought it would be fun to try the reverse of what the norm is...try taking it slow or something. Profile: tropical backbone, mango, lime, red grapefruit, wet tree bark, no grass, complex, balanced, medium finish, excellent paired with chilled seafood in a lemon-basil dressing...ooh...maybe a bit of sage on the finish as well.
Tracy's voice tunes back into my internal wine analysis...."Yes, Steph, I think you are in love with love."
That made me think all day. Then I read back on this blog and wondered silently...am I really that easily captured into love? I have certainly been inspired, aroused and curious about certain men, but never felt "in love" with any of them. I have not said "I love you" to anyone in two years. No one has said it to me, either. I pressed rewind on my lovelife and scanned for importance...I found close to nothing. And the feelings I have today for Ka'eo...they are in a new category. It doesn't even compare. And I am not saying this for anyone's benefit or to create insult. I just haven't really cared this deeply for anyone...dare I say it? Ever. How can that be, when I have yet to meet him in person....but I feel as though I JUST KNOW.
Tracy looked at me. "Well Steph, if anyone's gonna defy convention and find the love of her life surfing on myspace...it would be you!" She smiled, and belted out her characteristicly hearty laugh. "I know, Trace, it sounds pretty crazy. But in one week I am gonna get him from the airport, and we'll both just know. The moment we meet, we'll know. And either way, we will either be a perfect match or best of friends. So I realllly hope he doesn't have snaggle teeth...." We both howl. She sees I had to break the seriousness with some stupid humor..and I love it that I need not explain further. "So,how's the wine?" I ask. She likes it, and it is that simple. Not so simple for me. Perhaps that is why I haven't fallen in love like this before. "It's good" is not enough in life for me...all the details are left out in that critique. I need more...I am more, and he is more than my wildest dreams allowed me to forsee. Whoah! Pretty fucking sweet, man.

So am I in love with love...no,I don't see it that way. Am I inspired by love or the craving for it? Definitely. Have I always dreamt of finding Ka'eo...well, yes. And all the little pieces of the former lovers have made a bridge to this moment.

Comfort In Uncertainty

I read a book two years ago or so, called "Comfortable With Uncertainty" by Pema Chodron. It was the kind of book that you keep by your bed during strange times, and randomly open to any given page to find the message intended for you by the universe. Well, that is what my friend Paula said. And I used her advice, doing the equivalent of a "bible dip" as mentioned in the book "Running With Scissors". If you have no idea what I am talking about it is ok. I just don't watch TV a whole lot.
Well, this theme of change has been evident in my life's entirety as of late. I feel like a different person now, as if I unzipped the little red jumpsuit clothing my heart and now it's streaking in the woods. So that is a good thing. I just wanted to express that taking small steps and allowing oneself to be in the present moment is the only way I got through those times of craziness. Being ok not knowing. Being able to appreciate simple beauty and learn to live again. To allow pain to sit with me quietly and not fight it, just allow it to be acknowledged and understood. Seeing the space, cleansing, and the lesson it carves into one's heart, mind, life. And not to be resentful, but thankful for the lesson. How are we to grow if not through trial and tribulation? (cliche, I know)

The kind of life I want to live is one of freedom, creativity, and essentially always containing the presence of uncertainty. Not in a natural disaster type of way, but in a "let's keep things interesting" type of outlook. I have worked on reviving the person I was as a child...with certain perks of being a woman, of course. Heehee.
Forgiveness has surfaced as a theme in many ways...mostly inner forgiveness begets external forgiveness, in terms of self and others. I have to admit, I have been through some wild times in 2005-2006. But it boiled off, leaving me with a list of things I understand better, never wish to do again, a sense of confidence, a sense of accomplishment, and readiness to move into a new phase and not look back wistfully. The crush of a noisy drunk bar doesn't entice me like it used to...the hangover from the end of 2005 has finally subsided. I never wish to smoke a cigarette again. I don't want to have a one night stand ever again. I want to spend my time on people, endeavors, thoughts, and activities that count. I want to make something of this life that isn't ordinary, isn't selling short, isn't a pipe dream. I thought of these things while climbing Iron Mountain today with Rachel, as we discussed where we are both at in life. I recommended the book my Chodron. Like passing the torch. Now it is her turn to whoop it up and shake things off.

Things I have learned that served me well through this time:
Learn to take risks, even if you are scared.
Learn to trust your guts, and follow them. It is your primal instinct and internal compass.
Don't lie, cheat, or steal. And let people in when there is heavy traffic...Jeez.
Be patient with yourself during a time of intense change, because you didn't make it there in one night and it will take some time to create a new you, a new body, a sharper mind, a more organized life...whatever. Just set your mind to it and don't give up.
Put out what you wish to receive. Simple karma.
And lastly, live a life of love.

The Wallpaper and Forever

I close them.
There, like an old movie playing on a brick wall...
flickering images haunt me.
Familiar.
Open them.
The surround sound of my imagination blares louder.
NOW!
The bass resonates deep inside my ribcage.
NOW?
Now...it comes slowly, softly whispering itself in the breeze.
The same breeze that carries me to Louisiana.
The same steam that lifts off the last piece of paella,
the same breath that brushes my lips before we kiss.
As if my soul finally recognizes the time....
as if my body can't control the shaking inside,
as if my heart keeps repeating...again, it's happening again.

Slake my thirst

a bead of blood
pushed up from the crack in my lower lip.
i covered it with my top lip, and tasted the metallic salt.
fell asleep.
i awoke
feeling tired, feeling weird.
we flew in our tin can, me crushed to the window by the obese man from indiana,
and i thought about water.
and i thought about the plastic bag holding my dangerous lipgloss,
recessed too far out of reach.
in a differetn zipcode, behind obese dude and over two rows in the overhead compartment.
surprised to find i had the window seat...preplanning is so great sometimes.
hot, cold, forced air ladened with germs.
too tired to be grossed out.
bunched my furry vest under my head and dove into a dream.
when my body is moving through space faster than it should at rest, the dreams come in sideways, with the movie reel set crooked.
a distant baby screams, and i remember being unable to speak, unable to comprehend the reason behind the stabbing pain in my ears.
in my dream my ears pop, and i can rest, and the baby can rest.
we all sleep like sweaty sardines, flying away from morning.
the cloak of excitement has become heavy and warm.
the stale air makes me drowsy with too much carbon dioxide.
then, i feel it.
the obese man settling into his seat, oozing his flesh and warmth over my arm.
i turn into a ball, tucking my feet in and burying my head into my makeshift pillow.
and then a voice says, "wehwcome two san diewgo."
and i rub the sleep out of my eyes, because i might see someone i am not ready to meet.
not yet, with four hours of sleep, bad breath, and bloodshot eyes.