bamboo candles

"they're so beautiful i just never felt i could burn them," he said offhandedly as i placed them in the corners of my new apartment. i looked at his face, wondering why someone so free wouldn't enjoy these amazing candles. "i am too attached, i guess, so i want you to have 'em," he said with a sly grin. i knew then that we were over. he went downstairs and i sat up in the empty living room with a few other gifts he gave me. gifts which symbolized me staying here and him going far away. i choked on the tears that bubbled up from a deep well inside me and silently shook back and forth trying to digest the pain. i felt so torn then between the wandering lifestyle and the amazing feeling of home i just found. it was a turning point for me last year..choosing between two distinct longings. i stared at those bamboo candles and thought i'd never be able to separate the feelings of loss from their beauty. cursed candles. blessed candles.

i sit here now a year later and the man is far away, but i know he's right where he wants to be. i burn them on nights when my friends come over for potlucks. my door is open and the house is full of smells and sounds...emily brings amazing vegan dishes and new friends with her. her eyes are shining like a child and we hug in a room full of loving people. everyone's been here so many times i hardly point out where things are and i relax in a puddle of comfort. easy laughter floats around and i take a few moments to appreciate how this life has grown into a garden. the music that used to rip me open is just a gentle reminder of how things evolve. i look at those bamboo candles and think about the fresh wound in my heart. just when i thought i couldn't love more deeply, i was introduced to a new heartache that makes the last one look like a headcold. i look up at the paintings on my wall and i know that they will one day be a source of comfort and sheer beauty...i'll be able to put some time inbetween them and the attachment. ironically, they match those asian bamboo candles perfectly.