wind through the trees...

i've grown tired and disinterested in holding onto the past. it's almost as if i spent the last ten years rehashing a buch of crap instead of being present in the now. wow! that's exactly what i did. i guess we all come to our conclusions and revelations differently, but one thing is for sure. i have an arsenal of books aimed at presence. i've been cracking eckhart tolle, caroline myss m.d., deepak, and other authors regularly these days. they're my little buddies, nestled in my bag to be pulled out when i need a little hit. a little reminder to stay in the now when old habits start resurfacing. i've managed to deplane from the ssfoxpartybusinthesky2000, and now find entertainment and social sustenance in the old fashioned stuff. the stuff i loved as a kid and in brief moments as a sober adult. yes, like climbing trees in the canyon after breakfast, cartwheels on the beach and snuggling with my friends after gong ceremonies. drums and vegan muffins for birthdays instead of five gallons of booze and a bunch of regrets. it was never so bad living on the pendulum, just confusing at times when distractions melted away and i felt torn between two lifestyles.

i read a friend's blog today and had to turn away, seeing my own reflection in her words. GET OVER IT!!! it fucking happened twenty years ago and you live there instead of here now. your "self" is a ghost...how about dropping the bullshit and breathing. this seems to help a lot. i remember a time when a friend told me i didn't breathe. i'd hold my breath during massage work, take shallow inhales in everyday circumstance, and trip out on stress. it's physiologically impossible to hold onto stress while doing deep breathing. amazing...and true. one more trick to staying present when i am stuck in a life situation, while remaining in my beingness of living a little farther out of the perspective. watching the thinker has become a favorite passtime, and then silencing it like a dog. GO HOME! i commanded my thinker, and she jumped into her cage and fell promptly asleep. AHHHHH, now i can meditate in peace. sometimes the static of thinking drifts over the beingness like oil ontop of water. i imagine myself floating inward, deeper into the cool sparkling depths of the ocean and letting them slide by with acknowledgement and no attachment. it wasn't so long ago in psychological time i felt i was the thinker and that was it. i was controlled by my mind, like a robot ordered around by a super computer. suddenly it seems i have a new sense of living and being altogether, and i am taming the mind. after intense sessions i sometimes find myself rusty in the thinking department and fluid in the loving and being department. the language of the wind sliding effortlessly through the trees delights me, and the feel of sunshine touching my skin warms me. the silence of a mango thrills me to no end, offering up it's unbelievable sweetness to tastebuds...and i burst out in tears. there are no words for this gratitude, there is only gratitude that there is a beingness that needs no such thing.