sober interpretation of the truth

we all do our fair share of making what some call "mistakes". i prefer to think of them as lessons, but to each their own. i have been brewing with ideas lately, most of which include shaking off being so scared of...everything. what a realization to wake up one day and see that you are the only one holding you back from your wildest dreams! i am so comfortable here in san diego, my little routines in places and community nestled close. so comfortable, in fact, that i channel all this bullshit into behaviors of distraction. the truth of the matter is that i am not happy. i am afraid of love, even though that is what i crave the most. i can be irresponsible, defensive, manic, and depressed all in one day. the human condition is just that...spirit housed in an individual body. i feel so optimistic and focused on life, then weeks pass and i just want to give up. i ask myself if it were up to me right now, where would i be and what would i be doing? then after pondering those thoughts, how does one get there?

i have an amazing network of friends here, and the weather is oh so comfortable. maybe that is the problem. cost of living is insane, i work just to survive, and i float here in the sea of dreams with not much wind. i have been considering moving north and going back to school. my brain feels mushy from underexposure to new ideas. am i running away from home again?

there are so many things i'd like to do with my life, yet i am falling short and stagnating. it is hard to really face myself and not stick my ostrich head in the sand for another year. i caught up on bills today and realized that i have a lot of growing up to do. i've been offered advice from a hundred people but it really boils down to knowing what i want and going inward and outward to get it.