scars with wounds still inside

i've carried this heaviness in my heart since i moved to san diego. maybe longer than that, seeing as a bad break up usually takes more than just one catastrophic incident to end everything. it's been about three years since we went our separate ways and i landed an hour south. more like a continent away from eachother, to be perfectly honest. i've spent my life doing my fair share of chasing men and chasing away demons. lately i have been doing a lot of looking within at the motivations that have lead me here right now. i had dinner with joey a few nights back and it was like getting a piece of my heart back. in three years we have never faced eachother and talked. a few tattered phone calls and emails, but this was huge for both of us. i see now i am responsible for so much more than i ever knew. i was the lazy emotional clingy slob who moved there and was too scared to be out on my own. i became so dependent i didn't even know who i was anymore. i didn't recognize myself in the mirror. even worse, as time went by i didn't like myself anymore either. after awhile, we became so dysfunctional that we lost the one thing we had always shared....our amazing friendship that spanned ten years. i look back now and i know i was fortunate to come to san diego and work it out on my own, even though it was unimaginably painful and i felt abandoned. i also respected myself again, and began building the foundations of the life i live now. talking to joey, i realized i put the weight of the world on him and shouldered very little of it myself. i was young, scared, and a fish out of water. taking responsibility for it and apologizing to him felt right. i felt the old scars aching a little as the last of my old wounds healed. this time there aren't any parts left festering. what a blessing to have him back in my life again and to be friends. i feel freed, somehow, and like a piece of history is restored. he was a member of my family and my best friend before we did the HB experiment. he looked at me over the garlic shrimp and smiled a familiar old smile. "i am so happy for you, steph. you have everything i ever wanted you to have. a great circle of friends, an amazing life." i realized we both have grown up a lot. what a trip!